front end might not be realistic when at college. Continuous communication around changes in boundaries and expectations can help make this process smooth.” One common boundary mistake Burton sees well-intended parents make is not listening to their child’s needs. An example can be when a parent either visits too often or expects their child to come home more than the child wants or needs. To reduce frustration and set some expectations, seek open communication and feedback between parents and children. Remember, college is a great opportunity for children to learn in- dependence and continue to grow into who they are as a person. THINGS TO REMEMBER One of the biggest pieces of advice Burton says she can give parents when they are learning to let their child go to college is to let them make mistakes. “Well-meaning parents often want life to be easy for their children and want to mitigate or fix challenges for them. We all make mistakes, and the important part of this is the learning that comes from these experiences. It might be uncomfortable for parents to let this happen, but it can
create valuable lessons for the rest of life,” she says. Burton says another piece of advice is to have parents remember that your own college experience might not be the same as your child’s. She often hears parents comment that college was the best time of their lives, so why is their child struggling? According to Burton, when children hear this, they can internalize that they are wrong for struggling or not liking college. To help, lean in with curiosity to a child’s experience, in- stead of putting an experience on their child. COPING TOOLS A tool that can help parents adjust is inten- tional reflection. When parents get worried about how their child is doing, or even just missing their child, they tend to want to go into “fix mode.” But this can lead to broken boundaries and create more frustration. “I like to use reflection as a way to not nec- essarily fix the uncomfortable emotions, but rather learn to manage the discomfort when it comes up,” says Burton. Parents can reflect on their accomplishments with parenting (“I raised an intelligent/kind/capable child”), helpful qualities about their child (“My child is good at making friends and managing their time”), or any other pieces of information that
can help them recognize that their child will be ok, she explains. The discomfort that can come with these transitions do not last forever. Burton’s one piece of reassurance to offer parents navigat- ing this stage is that it is temporary. “I like to compare it to the newborn stage, where the sleepless nights, crying, and overall transition to parenthood feels endless. Then one day, sleep starts coming more naturally, the crying seems to slow down, and you feel like you have the hang of caring for a child.” Colleges often have resources not only for students, but for parents making this transition as well. Some colleges may contain versions of “parent corners” on their web- sites that contain information about what is happening at the school and how they can support their child in the transition. Every parent has their own experience when it comes to this transition. You might feel different feelings and emotions than your spouse or friends in the same stage. But just because you feel differently than someone else does not make you wrong or a bad parent, Burton assures. She says it is import- ant to give yourself, and your student, grace throughout these changes.
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