IT WAS AGENT BETTY THAT I SAW FIRST. I was travel- ing home on BART, listening to some 1980’s rock music when they stepped into my mind and stood in front of a well-armed police station. Cops surrounded the lone fighter but within seconds of engaging one another, Betty bested all of them in hand-to-hand combat. “Why is Betty here?” I thought. Silence for a moment and then,“They are orchestrat- ing a jailbreak” a voice answered. “Ok… so why orchestrate a jailbreak at all?” More momentary silence. “Perhaps… The people being held inside are innocent of the crime they are being accused of. Perhaps if they aren’t res- cued, terrible things will happen to them.”
intricacies of trauma and examining it onstage, but a shift had occurred within me. I had realized that I held onto anger as a means of survival and an attempt at controlling the last bits that remained in the wake of all that had been taken from me from big- ots and abusers. That the tactics that had saved me for so much of my life had started to become a detriment. I began to wonder… if I keep hold- ing onto all of this anger to maintain
the remaining fragments of what was lost… is there room for anything else? What else could there be space for— where else might I go? What would happen if I consented to something I had always put out of reach? What would happen if I allowed myself to surrender my anger? What would happen if I allowed myself and oth- ers the mercy of forgiveness? Thus, I began to wonder how true “healing” could be observed in my work.
constantly evolving story that silently traveled with me wherever I went was only satisfied if I actively kept dream- ing it—developing it—giving form to what was speaking to me. It seemed to me that the best way to tell the story was by writing a dance theater play. Not necessarily a musi- cal, but a narrative and text-based pro- duction that utilized dance (outlined as choreographic scores within the work). I came to call the piece, “Villains.” I sat
As it got safer to be in the world once more, and not necessarily know- ing how to step forward, I told myself it was time to try new things. So I joined a rugby team and god I was terrible (I got better, but boy-howdy, I was magnificently bad in the begin- ning). I also consented to work with a close friend on a movement-poetry performance piece focusing on “soft- ness” (an always worthy pursuit). And of course, Agent Betty and the
What would happen if I allowed myself to surrender my anger? What would happen if I allowed myself and others the mercy of forgiveness? Thus, I began to wonder how true “healing” could be observed in my work.
“So… what is the crime?” “It would have to be BIG.”
Another voice, one with a flair for the dramatic, answered, “The Great Commander is DEAD!”
” IT ACTUALLY WASN’T THAT MOMENT that I knew I had something. Just spare thoughts singing to me, helping me wander through the monotony that accompanies public transit. But as often the case in circum- stances like this… This scene replayed in my mind over and over, often as I walked the dog or picked up morning coffee or rushed away to work. So… I keep asking questions. Questions seemed to help calm my mind, to help me think on other things. “Who is the Commander and why is he dead? NO.. why was he mur- dered?” “Who was the murderer?” “Who are the suspects?” “Why are they the suspects?” And so, the story began to develop of a world, which on the surface was filled with good gods and evil devils, but when considered closer, we find out that everyone is a villain. I FELT LIKE I WAS DONE with the Bay Area’s dance scene. I had learned from an early age that when love is no lon- ger being served, it’s time to go. As we
reemerged from the pandemic, with so many friends and leaders who had left the region (and so many of the ones who remained struggling to simply function in this wild world), and expe- riencing so much finger pointing and infighting within the community, you could say I was disillusioned. That the veneer that surrounded our field, one I once wanted to embrace and be a part of, had not only lost its shine and allure but also, any practical use. Before the pandemic fatally struck and collapsed so much of our indus- try, I also knew it was time for a change. I had been creating and per- forming new dance theater works as a solo artist under my company OOMPH Dance Theater, and while I was getting constructive attention, I knew it was time to think bigger. I didn’t necessarily know what that meant at the time, and all the while the pandemic held us all hostage (along with losing all career-momen- tum that I built up), I still didn’t dis- cover what that meant. I also had spent so much time from 2017-2019 creating work around the
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In Dance | May 2014 | dancersgroup.org
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