advantage or appeal. The abundance of black would lead a stranger to surmise that I am either in mourning, or an ageing fan of gothic fashion trends. The fact that I am the proud owner of pets is undisputable—everything in my closet has a heavy dusting of pet hair. My dilemma is not unique. How many women will admit that they have a pair of “skinny jeans” and a pair of “fat jeans” that battle for supremacy? How much money has been wasted seeking the perfect-fitting jeans, or the comfortable high-heeled black leather boot? We all have one weakness: shoes, handbags, jeans, t-shirts, blazers, coats...come on, pick your poison, you’re not fooling anyone. When I was young and independently poor, my go-to purchase when I needed a bit of shopping therapy was lipstick. The cost was minimal, and it came in one size; the thrill of satisfaction was palatable. On reflection, lipstick was probably my gateway purchase. As I matured, and worked my way towards becoming a professional shopaholic, I channeled my inner Imelda Marcos. Her collection of over 3,000 pairs of luxury shoes earned her the sobriquet “Marie Antoinette with shoes.” Kitten heels, dangerously high pumps, ridiculously flat ballet slippers, high boots, low boots, cowboy boots, rubber boots, sneakers, trainers, jogging shoes, walking shoes, flip-flops, sandals, gardening shoes... shoes, glorious shoes everywhere! I’m honestly hesitant to count the number of shoes I currently own, and there are several boxes marked “shoes” I have yet to unpack from two years ago.
I used to own a plethora of handbags—a serious quantity! I
rows of clothing, shoes, handbags, and accessories offered at sharply discounted prices. It’s possible—and probable—to purchase an array of black cardigan sweaters on the same day. I kid you not, you too can own a minimum of five virtually identical black cardigan sweaters that were at least 70% cheaper than retail. Consignment stores are, by far, the best places to shop. They offer discounted fashions and allow you to sell your discarded pieces to other shopaholics. Admittedly, I once purchased my own shoes from a local consignment store. Throughout 2019, my calendar was witness to no less than a dozen scheduled and documented “Sunday closet-cleaning afternoon”s. They begin with me standing before the open closet, willing it to inspire me, and end with me lamenting over those $100 size-six jeans that have stalked me through five moves, and mock me with frayed-yet-intact price tags, and the strip of plastic running down the front thigh that repeats “Size 6, Size 6...” Inevitably, they conquer, and to this day remain tucked in the far reaches of my closet, next to the $60 neon yellow cropped t-shirt impulsively purchased on a trip to Montreal. So, the perfect Pinterest-worthy closet remains my unicorn, the unobtainable goal that continues to escape me. I’ve learned to cope. Shopping definitely eases the pain.
blame Sandra Bullock! The bag she sported in the movie Two Weeks Notice became my obsession; I had to have it! Finally, a Google search revealed the bag’s manufacturer, and the devastating reality that it was no longer available, launching me into a ten-year shopping frenzy in an effort to satisfy the caramel structured leather bag obsession. Eventually I relented in my pursuit of a suitable contender, and today I’m proud to say I own only a few (okay, eight) handbags and some (sigh, four) workbags, and one or two woven tote bags (these are strictly utilitarian). Recently, I seem to have acquired an unexpected number of yoga pants and a surprising collection of athletic wear. If a burglar were to rummage through my closet, he—or she—would assume that I spend an inordinate amount of time working out at the local gym and that, surely, afternoons would find me perfecting the downward dog at yoga classes. Umm, no. Over the years, I’ve made questionable purchases; my “shapewear” choice was an impulse purchase that haunts me to this day. I recall that it was a Spanx “Suit Your Fancy High-Waisted Thong” at the bargain price of $84. It promised to smooth out my bits and bobs, and make me 10 pounds lighter in appearance. Instead, I had my sister cut it off my body with nail scissors in the restaurant bathroom stall. A number of years ago, I discovered thrift and consignment shopping. It’s the perfect storm! A mix of treasure- hunting, shopping, and discounted prices—seven days a week! Be still, my beating heart! Imagine...rows and
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