BE A BETTER LISTENER FOR SOMEONE Who Needs to ‘Get It All Out’
It’s not always easy to share feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, or other strong emotions — but it’s healthy to share them. Sometimes, we need to vent and get it all out. Venting gives us an opportunity to release these emotions, which often leads to mental clarity. However, when someone comes to you to vent and share their heavy emotional burden, listening can be just as challenging as sharing. You want to be supportive, but you don’t want to interfere. Strong feelings and tough situations may be involved. What can you do to be the listener they really need? It starts with your body language. Open yourself to their emotional needs. Gregorio Billikopf, an interpersonal relationship expert at the University of California, Berkeley says if you begin the
conversation standing, invite the person to have a seat with you.
wouldn’t bend, which led to another surgery. He underwent genicular nerve blocks often and has had a half-dozen or more radiofrequency ablation procedures. He developed a rare reaction to nickel, the metal used in a typical replacement knee joint, which resulted in a revision of his total knee replacement (meaning, they had to do another one). By my count, he’s had eight operations already, not counting the numerous injections, blocks, and aspirations (draining of fluid), including two this year. All this has transpired over several years. He had a functional capacity test earlier this year confirming he can’t physically do his UPS job. Meanwhile, what’s brown done for him? Well, they’ve fought him on treatment, tests, and surgeries. They’ve contested his workers’ compensation benefits. They’ve sent investigators to see if they could video him doing stuff his doctors say he can’t do. They haven’t won — he has severe limitations that are obvious. He has a wonderfully supportive wife of 39 years, four children, 10 grandchildren, and neighbors who pitch in to help do the things around the house he can’t. He’s a good man, doing his best to cope with something he didn’t ask for. We’re still in the midst of his claim, but we admire him and wanted you to meet him. While you don’t want to interject, you do want to be an active listener. This means you don’t want to be completely silent. This is where “reflective listening” comes in. Occasionally repeat what the speaker says — but don’t use their exact phrasing. Reword slightly in a sympathetic manner. Don’t spin their words or mistakenly interject an opinion, as it may not be the opinion they’re interested in hearing. Alternatively, listening cues like “mm” or “hm” and nods are always welcome. One last thing to keep in mind: You do not need to offer a solution to the person’s problem or concerns. They may just be venting to get their negative emotions out, not looking for answers or explanations. If they are looking for answers or guidance, wait for them to ask. In the meantime, lend your ear and let them know you’re there for them going forward.
Another thing you can do as a listener is position yourself below their eye line. This puts the person venting in a more active “storyteller” position and you in a better “listener” position. While in this position, maintain eye contact. It’s okay to look down or away occasionally, but try to keep steady eye contact. Billikopf also notes that, as a listener, it’s important to avoid interjecting. Don’t offer input, suggestions, or guidance to the person venting until after the person has had the chance to get it all out. “During this venting process, there is still too much pressure for a person to consider other perspectives,” Billikopf says. the wee hours of the morning to make sure those big brown box trucks are strategically loaded and that they’ve mapped out the most efficient delivery route as they travel along highways, city streets, and rural roads. (Did you know they plan their routes to make as many right turns as possible? The logic being that left turns take more time because drivers have to wait at lights, and they can save substantial fuel and increase the number of deliveries by planning right turns.) In November 2011, while unloading a semi, a heavy metal pipe fell from a stack of packages and hit Jeff in the front of the leg, right on his knee. His lateral and medial menisci were torn, as was his PCL. Most of us have heard of the more common ACL or MCL tears; a PCL (posterior cruciate ligament) tear is less common but can result when the knee is bent backward. It’s quite painful and leads to considerable instability. After his first surgery to repair the tears and lots of therapy, Jeff was given a brace and released to return to work after 10 ½ months. But his problems continued, which is not surprising, as these guys are on their feet a lot, jumping in and out of their trucks to deliver packages. After working while receiving ongoing treatment, Jeff had his first total knee replacement. After he developed extensive scar tissue, his new knee
Jeff and Sharon
Remember the “What can brown do for you?” ad campaign for UPS a few years ago? ( Nerd alert: These ads were an important part of the plot in the “Dimension Space” trilogy by science fiction author Dean Cole.) I always thought it a rather odd slogan, but Jeff Link lived it! Jeff is one of several UPS clients we have. He started with them 25 years ago, and he did what the delivery drivers typically do: He got up in
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