If you lack the courage to leave, you may find ways to rationalise staying. For example, if you bring up leaving, it could lead to a fight. I recall a time when I threatened to leave, and she locked us both in a room and threw the key out the window. Now we were trapped together, unable to leave because the door was locked, and the key was gone. There are many variables at play, but the main one is your individual traumas and how they influence your decisions. If you have abandonment issues or a history of toxic relationships, you may feel that you deserve this treatment or that it's the norm for you. Having the courage to leave when you have the means to do so is crucial. Living together complicates matters further. Who will leave the apartment? If you break up, do you wait until the lease ends? Finding a new place alone may be more expensive. There are many considerations and challenges involved. CAM: At Matrix Men do you often see men coming in who have experienced similar situations? Is there a primary reason why men choose not to leave their abusive relationships? What are the dynamics behind it? Hungani : I believe it can vary from individual to individual, but there are common factors. It's about feeling like you should not be experiencing this, justifying the experience, and holding on to the belief that things will get better because it wasn't always like this. You remember the person you fell in love with and hope to return to that. You think about leaving, but then you question whether the toxicity is within the relationship or just in certain experiences. You have good days where everything seems fine, and you convince yourself that you need more of those good days and fewer of the bad ones. Additionally, if you have unresolved traumas of your own, such as abandonment or other issues, you may fear being alone or not knowing who you would be without the abuser. These factors play a role in why people stay in abusive relationships.
“…It's about, feeling like you should not be experiencing this, justifying the experience, and holding on to the belief that things will get better because it wasn't always like this. You remember the person you fell in love with and hope to return to that. You think about leaving, but then you question whether the toxicity is within the relationship or just in certain experiences. You have good days where everything seems fine, and you convince yourself that you need more of those good days and fewer of the bad ones. Additionally, if you have unresolved traumas of your own, such as abandonment or other issues, you may fear being alone or not knowing who you would be without the abuser. These factors play a role in why people stay in abusive relationships.”
June 2023 | Collective Action Magazine
17
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