It took a decision to change my life!
CAM: Let's talk about your healing journey. After leaving your abusive relationship, how did you navigate the difficult process of healing?
Natalie : Firstly, I lost most of my friends because we had many mutual friends. So, my recovery was a very lonely experience. Although people had promised to support me when I had the courage to leave, very few stood by my side. My healing journey involved being a single mother for over a year. In the late '90s, counseling and trauma counseling weren't as popular, so I had to rely on self-healing. I read books, prayed, meditated, and enrolled in a course to keep my mind occupied. Since my friends became his and his new partner's friends, I mainly spent time with my sisters and my son. Later, I reconnected with one friend, and she became my companion. It was a very lonely period. There were moments of regret, especially when I realised I wasn't being invited to events anymore and was being excluded. My parents and cousins were there for me, so even though I often felt alone, I always had my family. I could turn to them, pray, and pour out my heart to the Lord. The healing journey takes time, and even after moving on with your life, there can still be triggers and old traumas resurfacing. It takes a while to fully mature and learn how to deal with past trauma. The most important thing to remember is that healing is a journey, not a destination. Even after 10, 20, or 26 years like in my case, there may still be moments of gratitude and reflection. Speaking about it now, I still feel a sense of gratitude because if I had stayed, things could have been much worse. Although he didn't kill me, I believe that if I had remained in that relationship, he could have inflicted even more harm. I could have ended up in a much worse situation. It truly is a personal journey for everyone, and I can't tell others how to heal. What I can say is that it's not easy. There will be difficult days when you question yourself and feel regret. But I constantly remind myself why I left. I remind myself that this person didn't value me the way I value myself. They didn't respect me or treat me with the love and care I deserve.
I had bought him a chain as a Christmas gift, and I stood up, took the chain off his neck, and told him that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. For me, it was the realization that the hands that once hugged, embraced and cared for me were the same hands that harmed and hurt me. I knew that staying in the relationship meant living a double life, and people would never believe me when I told them about the abuse. Perpetrators, especially charming men, can deceive others with their appearance, mannerisms, and eloquent speech. When you try to explain what you've been through, people think you're crazy because they see the perpetrator as a calm and collected individual. As I was leaving his mother said, "you better get yourself a better man because my son is who he is". I am now happily married for 24 years. If there's a woman out there living a false image, I hope she finds the courage to leave her marriage or relationship. From what I've seen unless someone genuinely wants to change and tries to do so, they won't change. People will treat us the way we allow them to treat us. This brings me to my current marriage where I speak up and am assertive.
June 2023 | Collective Action Magazine
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