When I moved back to South Africa at the age of 19, I moved in with my mother's sisters. That was a tough period because I was subjected to a lot of abuse when my family found out, and my cousins wanted nothing to do with me. Despite the abuse, I kept quiet and did what I needed to do to keep the family happy. One day, when I arrived home from work, the family had arranged a marriage for me. I explained to them that I was gay and that it wouldn't be fair to this girl. In response, they took me to the granny cottage and beat me up badly. I have kept quiet about all this for years, and today is the first time I am openly speaking about it. A while later, I got a job in Johannesburg, but when my employers found out that I was gay, they gave me an ultimatum. It was either I went back home to my family or joined Da ʿ wah, which is a 40-day tour on Islamic missionary work. I chose to go back to my family in Escort, where I faced abuse once again. I'm sorry, it is a bit difficult to speak about it now. I never thought it would be so hard. I am feeling very emotional right now.
CAM: I just want to backtrack a bit because you mentioned something very interesting. And I think there's a lot of confusion with people that are not entirely immersed in the LGBTQI community. You spoke about you being masculine, you have the masculine side of you, and you also acknowledged and are exploring your feminine side. At what point did you realise you were gay? Suhail : When I was 10 years old, I used to play with my sister's dolls. At that age, I wasn’t fully developed, but I was aware of my surroundings. I realised that I was different. When I was 13 years old and going through puberty, I had a girlfriend in school, but she was more of a friend than my girlfriend. I gave her one kiss, and that was when I realised that I was gay. I said to her, “I’m sorry I am gay, I don’t feel anything from this”. She turned and said, “I know”. We are still friends today. I embraced it at 13 but kind of pushed it aside because I worried about what my parents were going to think. I was Muslim; what is the community going to think? See, I come from a staunch Muslim family, and I will come back to this. When I was 15 years old, I realised that I did not have feelings for women. My first sexual experience at 14 years certainly confirmed that indeed I was gay. At 15 years, I came to terms with it and embraced it. I told myself that this is who I really am. At 16 years, I came out to my mum. She cried, you know, Muslim parents. Of course, they did not accept it. From 16 through 19, I was discovering myself. I figured if straight people were allowed to express themselves, why would I, as a gay man, not be allowed to express myself?
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June 2023 | Collective Action Magazine Collective Action Magazine
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