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Your Independence Day SECURE FREEDOM FROM A TOXIC SPOUSE
We typically celebrate the Fourth of July with patriotic displays, barbecues, parades, and fireworks. But Independence Day’s deeper meaning commemorates our nation’s founding and the freedom colonists secured from the British Empire. The right to pursue a life of our choosing is a closely held American value — but we meet so many people who have sacrificed theirs to an unhappy marriage. Many clients come to Bruce Law to reclaim their independence. While most people see divorce as an unfortunate set of circumstances, we’ve seen firsthand how celebratory an occasion it can be. One client declared serving her ex with divorce papers her “fireworks moment.” She felt a sense of relief and joy she hadn’t in a long time. With a reaction like that, there’s no doubt she made the right choice. Any unhappy relationship can be miserable and hold you back — even when neither person has done anything “wrong.” But securing freedom is much more challenging for someone married to a narcissistic or abusive spouse. Fortunately, they can break free with the right strategies and support. Preparing to leave a controlling spouse must be done in secret. If the narcissist catches on, they’ll use it as an opportunity for manipulation or escalate their abuse. Someone planning to
leave a narcissist should use devices they’re sure their spouse can’t track to do their research, gather documents, or speak with an attorney. Whenever possible, they should create a financial cushion. Some narcissists commit financial abuse, meaning a victim must do this secretly. Friends and family will often be willing to help if necessary. It’s also essential for anyone leaving a narcissist to create a trusted support group they can rely on and cut out those who will take the narcissist’s side. We recommend selecting a date to leave the relationship — failing to do so can mean dragging the matter out for several more years. Once a person is ready to go, they should leave quickly before the narcissist has time to react and not let their decision be up for discussion. Determine best practices for future communication with an attorney, as a narcissist will use these as opportunities for manipulation. Finally, anyone married to a controlling spouse must realize their divorce is unlikely to go smoothly. Narcissists will use the process to make their ex look bad and portray themselves as the “real” victim. Dragging out a divorce is another way to control a person and prevent them from securing freedom. So, anyone leaving a narcissist will need an experienced divorce attorney who knows how to work
Ruby and Russell enjoying freedom at the top of Stone Mountain
these cases. The process won’t be easy, but independence is worth it.
You should never feel trapped by your spouse or marriage. All Americans have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, including in their personal lives. If a narcissistic, controlling, or otherwise toxic person is holding you back, you deserve the fresh start a divorce can provide. Let freedom ring!
–Ashley and Chris Bruce
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How to Be a Purposeful Parent In Forks We Trust We all develop routines to maximize our efficiency. It’s a mental trick that makes our lives easier. However, if you’re not careful, you can find yourself simply going through the motions rather than being present in the moment — even in our role as parents.
How Europe Eventually Stopped Eating With Their Hands If you attend a dinner party, go on a date at a restaurant, or eat a plate of pasta, you’ll use a fork without thinking twice. This is proper etiquette — and the cleanest and most efficient way to eat a meal! Could you imagine trying to eat a plate of spaghetti and meatballs without one? Wealthy people in other parts of the world, such as the Byzantine Empire and the Middle East, have been using forks since the 17th century. However, before that, forks were considered to be sacrilegious and rude to use at the dinner table in Europe! In fact, in the 11th century, a Byzantine princess was ridiculed for bringing forks into her new husband’s home. Maria Argyropoulina, the Greek niece of Emperor Basil II of Byzantium, arrived in Venice, Italy, prepared to marry Giovanni, the son of Pietro Orseolo II, the Doge of Venice. She brought all of her belongings with her to move into her new house, including a case of golden forks. At the wedding, she pulled out one of her golden forks to partake in her wedding feast, and the reaction she got took her by surprise. The clergy lambasted her, saying things like, “God in his wisdom has provided man with natural forks — his fingers. Therefore, it is an insult to him to substitute artificial metal forks for them when eating.” However, this didn’t urge the princess to eat with her hands, and she stuck with her forks. Shortly after the marriage, the Byzantine princess, unfortunately, contracted the plague and passed away. Many believed this was “karma” for refusing to eat with her hands and bringing a fork to her husband’s home. But thanks to Maria Argyropoulina, Europe was introduced to the fork and never had to worry about eating spaghetti and meatballs — or any other dish — with their hands again.
Every parent wants to do the best for their children, but they don’t always know where to start. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Resources has declared July Purposeful Parenting Month to encourage more engagement between parents and children. It begins by taking a step back and assessing our current behaviors. Many of our parenting choices are automatic; we do what our parents did or what we’ve seen friends do. Too often, we don’t stop to think about the overall impact of our actions. Are your strategies getting you closer to the relationship you want with your child? One of the pillars of purposeful parenting is starting with a goal for your children and working backward. This goal isn’t about convincing your child to become a doctor but about your broader hopes and dreams. What kind of values do you want your child to learn? What behaviors will make you feel proud to have raised them? Whether you value honesty, kindness, generosity, determination, or something else, your parenting should focus on imparting those values and lessons to your child. Purposeful parents are also curious. Rather than assuming how their children feel or jumping to punishment, they seek to understand their kids better. Of course, your children’s behavior should still have consequences. But discussions are generally much more fruitful than lectures. Anger is even less productive. Instead, empathy will bring you and your child closer together, even when you disagree. Presence is just as essential, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Put down the phone, stop doing chores, and make time for real conversations. When you give in to distractions or prioritize your to-do list, you miss precious moments and chances to connect. Finally, children value consistency. We all slip up, but failing to enforce rules or define clear expectations confuses kids. Further, it’s not healthy when kids cannot predict whether their parent is more likely to console them or start yelling. Purposeful parenting builds trust and, in the process, provides the stability your children need to flourish.
Is your friend or client married to a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic husband?
OUR BOOKS CAN HELP!
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–Ashley and Chris Bruce
Avoid a Bump in the Road How to Travel With Children After Divorce
Vacation season is here, but packing up your kids for an adventure away from home probably isn’t as simple as it used to be when you were married. Many wonder what the rules of travel are after a divorce. Do they need their co-parent’s permission? Can their ex veto all their plans? It depends on the contents of your parenting plan. If you’re planning your first vacation after a divorce, you want to review the document carefully. Most parenting plans include rules for travel, and you’ll find the relevant details outlined. Remember — they’re legally binding. Some parenting plans allow out-of-state travel without the other parent’s permission. Others do not require a co-parent’s consent but do mandate notification. Sometimes, permission or notification may even be necessary for short trips to a different part of the state.
their permission to go outside the parenting plan. It may not be a problem if you have an amicable relationship with your ex. But if the two of you don’t usually offer each other much flexibility, be sure to plan carefully to avoid lost deposits or unfavorable court motions. In some cases, a parenting plan may be silent on travel. If the parenting plan does not explicitly restrict leaving the state, you technically do not need your co-parent’s permission before embarking on a trip. However, it is wise to get travel details added to your parenting plan whenever possible so you have a written agreement. Parental kidnapping is more common than you think, and you don’t want to inspire panic or unfounded accusations. And when your parenting plan allows out-of-state travel without consent or notification, keeping your ex in the loop is still wise. How would you feel if you only discovered your child had gone to New York City after they arrived? You’d probably be confused and frightened. Parents always want to know where their children are in case of an emergency, so give your co-parent a heads-up before hopping on a plane or embarking on a long car trip.
Notably, you must plan your travel during your time with the children. If your trip cuts into your co-parent’s time, you will need
Travel may require more planning after a divorce, but it can still be a lot of fun. Ensure you follow the rules and treat your co-parent courteously so you can enjoy your vacation without legal drama.
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1 BLF team-building 2-4 Kyla, Amber, and Jennifer raising money for Breast Cancer at the Mud Girl Run.
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Independence From a Toxic Spouse page 1
How a Byzantine Princess Introduced Forks to Europe Are You a Purposeful Parent? page 2 The Rules for Post-Divorce Family Vacations Photo Roundup page 3
Should You Buy a House Right Now? page 4 To Buy or Not to Buy a House MARKET ASIDE, ARE YOU READY?
You’re probably hearing conflicting advice when it comes to home buying. While some say a recession is inevitable, others highlight the lowest selling prices in years. However, you should consider the current market conditions as context rather than deciding factors when buying a home. Whether or not the time is right to buy a home depends on your personal and financial circumstances. Real estate market aside, the more important question is this: Are you ready to buy a house right now? Assess your finances. Potential homebuyers should be aware of the roadblocks before making any significant decisions. You’ll need to be entirely sure that your funds are ready to take the hit of both a down payment and a
mortgage. Consider your credit, savings, and debt when determining your monetary readiness.
If you feel financially comfortable to undergo the hurdles ahead (with a stellar credit score to match), you should be ready to start looking for a home! Consider some reasons to hold off on buying. While there are plenty of reasons why you should buy a home, there are also countless reasons why now might not be the right time for you. Look at your personal and financial situation and ask yourself:
These three financial aspects decide whether you’ll
qualify for a mortgage. For example, those with credit scores lower than 600 will have slimmer chances and higher prices. Meanwhile, your debts can also hinder your ability to qualify for a mortgage if they’re disproportionate to your income. As for your savings, you will need enough money for the down payment, moving costs, as well as possible expenses
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Is your job secure? Have there been recent layoffs in your company? Are you feeling pressured by family or friends?
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Do your finances need some TLC? Are you ready to put down your roots?
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associated with owning a home. Everything your previous landlord took care of will now be your responsibility. Even new homes have surprise repairs that will come out of your pocket.
These are just a few issues that can cause a disaster in the home-buying process. You will need to assess your situation and be honest about why you need to buy a home and if you’re financially prepared.
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