Helping you on your journey.n When someone dies you could experience a range of different emotions and it can be difficult to understand how to cope with the new situation you find yourself in.
Self-help guide
Contents Introduction
3 5 6 9
The effects of grief The grief journey
Relationships and family Looking after yourself 50 ways to take a break
20 24 26 29 30
Helpful books
Where to get help Our funeral homes
2
Self Help Guide
Helping you on your journey
When someone dies you could experience a range of different emotions and it can be difficult to understand how to cope with the new situation you find yourself in. Bereavement Care understands how hard this time can be and recognises that you may need some extra support. Through our wealth of experience gained over the years from helping the bereaved we have put together a self-help guide full of information, tips on how to look after yourself, practical help as well as activities and further reading and references. We hope the guide will help you along your journey.
3
4
Self Help Guide
The effects of grief You may experience many different feelings, thoughts, physical sensations and behaviours when trying to cope with grief. The following exercise can help you identify some of the effects that you may be experiencing. Select the ones you regularly experience and try to think of a recent example:
Emotional • Sadness/Tearful • Anger/Vengeful • Shocked/Dazed • Numbness • Frustration • Overwhelmed/ Helpless • Anxiety/Fear • Loneliness • Guilt/Sense of being punished Your example ................ .................................... Behavioural • Social withdrawal • Dreams/Nightmares • Avoidance of reminders • Searching or calling out • Not talking about the loss • Putting off practical arrangements Your example ................ ....................................
Thinking process • Confusion • Preoccupation
Physical • Breathlessness • Weakness in the muscles (‘shakiness’) • Fatigue/Lack of energy • Dry mouth/Urge to keep swallowing • Nausea • Pain (headaches, chest and muscle pain) • Loss of appetite • Poor concentration
• Sense of presence • Continually asking why? • Forgetful • Continually thinking of ‘what if’ scenarios Your example ................ ....................................
• Disturbed sleep • Restlessness or over-activity
Your example ................ ....................................
5
The grief journey Although everyone mourns in different ways at different times, there are recognised stages of grief. Not everyone will go through them all, but the following are the most common. They do not necessarily come in this order, and they often overlap.
6
Self Help Guide
1. Denial Denial may be your first reaction to the loss of a loved one. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as you can handle, acting as a defence mechanism from the immediate shock. Your mind refuses to accept what has happened in an attempt to reject the painful reality of grief.
2. Anger Anger and resentment are common stages of grief. The anger is a need to find someone to blame for your loss. You may feel that the world feels cruel and unsafe, making you react with fear, anger and irritability to the most trivial happenings.
3. Bargaining During this stage, you may wish that you could go back in time and bring your loved one back. You may continuously ask yourself ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ and promise significant life changes to reverse what has happened.
4. Depression Feelings of depression can last for a long time and usually appear when you accept the reality of your loss, and react to it. Depression may take the form of crying bouts, tiredness, and disturbance of normal sleep rhythms, loss of interest in things around us, or loss of concentration.
5. Acceptance This is the stage when you start to come to terms with, accept and adapt to your loss. You may still feel pangs of grief prompted by a photograph or a particular memory, but can begin to enjoy good memories too.
7
8
Self Help Guide
Relationships and family Grief is not an individual experience and can affect relationships with both family members and friends. It is important to understand how other people close to you may be feeling at this time and how together you can help each other along this journey.
When a parent dies • A parent’s death can sometimes stir up conflicting emotions with siblings moving closer or further apart. • If there is a surviving parent, the impact the death of a spouse has may differ from the emotions you are experiencing. • Your relationship with the surviving parent may change. They may view themselves in a different way, causing a period of unease as you adjust to the change. • The death of a parent can affect personal relationships between partners. • The balance of generations change. Where once you were the parent’s child, you may now be the older generation, impacting on how you look at your own mortality.
9
When a partner dies • Talking about your partner, who they were, what they liked can help you heal. Others may also have memories to share. • Some people may try and measure your healing by when you sort out the personal belongings and clothing of your loved one. Remember this is your journey and there is no right or wrong time to do this. • Wait a while before making any big decisions e.g. moving house or changing jobs to allow yourself time to think things through. • You may have good days and bad days. Some days you miss your partner more e.g. days and events that had special meaning as a couple, holidays and family anniversaries. Try and pre-empt these events so you can arrange to spend the days with others if you feel it would be painful on your own, however being alone is fine too, there is no right or wrong way to spend special days.
10
Self Help Guide
When a child dies The death of a child goes against the natural order we expect life to follow and brings with it the loss of future hopes, dreams, and potential that won’t now be fulfilled. Some parents talk about feeling complete disbelief, feeling numb, empty, enraged, anxious or exhausted. You may feel guilty, feeling that you were responsible for their safety and that you should have been able to prevent what happened. Some parents also feel guilty because they have survived their child. Everyone is different and grieves the death of a child in their own unique way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it is about doing what feels best for you at any given time. It is normal to shed a few tears, sob uncontrollably or do neither. There is no set pattern and no predetermined timescale. Parents may feel that they have changed after the death of their child, so that they become unrecognisable to each other as the people who met and began a family life years before. Both parents will need their own space and time as they grieve for their child.
11
12
Self Help Guide
When a sibling dies • Siblings are often the forgotten grievers when the focus is on the parents or the siblings partner and possibly children. • The sense of losing a friend, siblings share common memories and childhood experiences which may not have been shared with anyone else. • There may be extra focus from parents on the surviving sibling which may be overwhelming. • It may cause feelings of ‘why them and not me’ sharing the same genetic background may cause fears of your own mortality. • It may be difficult to accept your sibling has died if they lived elsewhere and contact was limited, as the absence is normal it is harder to take in a permanent loss. • You may feel a responsibility to watch over nieces and nephews and this can be another change to adapt to.
When a friend dies • Friends are often of a similar age and background, making you view your own mortality differently when a friend dies. • The death of a friend can sometimes change the relationship with other friends. They may not know how to support you and feel distance is the best option. You may feel the need to distance yourself from friends as seeing them is a painful reminder of your loss. • Your friend may have been the person you went to in times of trouble and when you needed support through life’s trials, no longer having that friend can make you feel desperate and lonely having no one to turn to.
13
Suicide or sudden death • Being bereaved by suicide or sudden death can be described as ‘grief with the volume turned up’. People who have been bereaved this way, say it seems to intensify the normal responses to loss. You could feel a sharper guilt over your own actions, a more bitter blame towards someone else who you feel could have prevented the death, stronger anger at the person who died or a deep despair that someone close to you has died this way. • People often ask ‘how are you feeling’, and it can be impossible to answer. You can be left with an over whelming jumble of feelings and thoughts. Unlike sudden death, suicide can make people feel that there is a stigma associated with the death.
Anticipatory grief Anticipatory grief is what happens when you know there will be a loss, but it has not yet occurred. This is what occurs when you or your loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness and have time to prepare. Unlike bereavement after a death, anticipatory grief is experienced by both the person who is ill and by the other family members. This grief process has a clearly defined beginning; it also has a definite ending. Unlike bereavement, anticipatory grief can include a period of hopefulness when the disease is being effectively managed.
14
Self Help Guide
15
16
Self Help Guide
Children Even though children may not understand the meaning of death until they are three or four years old, they feel the loss of close relatives in much the same way as adults. It is clear that, even from infancy, children grieve and feel great distress. However, they have a different experience of time from adults and may go through the stages of mourning quite rapidly. In their early school years children may feel responsible for the death of a close relative and so may need to be reassured. Young people may not speak of their grief for fear of adding extra burdens to the grown-ups around them. The grief of children and adolescents, and their need for mourning, should not be overlooked when a member of the family has died. They could for instance, be included in the funeral arrangements. It is important that a child is told as quickly as possible when there is a death in the family. The news should be broken by the person closest to them in as simple and straightforward a manner as possible. Try not to use too many euphemisms. For instance “Grandfather’s gone on a long sleep” could instil in the child a fear of sleep. They will also keep wondering when Grandfather will wake up. The child should be encouraged to talk about the deceased and any questions answered briefly but truthfully.
17
Loss/Bereavement We have losses all our lives, big and small. Life is full of endings and new beginnings but most of the time we don’t recognise them. Leaving school, getting married, having a baby, being made redundant are all losses but the biggest loss of all is when someone dies. Often when a loss has occurred we are not prepared for the roller-coaster of different emotions felt when someone close dies. Grief is not something that can be put off or ignored; it needs to be experienced, even though this can be very painful. Life is full of endings and new beginnings as we move through our journey of life. Death is an ending, the biggest ending we will ever experience, and this needs to be worked through. We need to grieve not only for the person that has died but for ourselves. Most people manage to work through the cycle of grief in time, but for some, the maze of emotional feelings becomes overwhelming and the feeling of utter despair and loneliness can take over their lives.
In Time There will be days when on waking up you will forget what has happened and feel guilty for having done so. Then there will be days when, for a while, you can laugh with a friend, enjoy a programme on TV or admire a view. And one day, you will find that you remember and think more about the life of the person who died than about how they died. You won’t forget that, but it will seem less vivid than who they were and what you shared with them while they were alive.
18
Self Help Guide
19
20
Self Help Guide
Looking after yourself It is important to look after your physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs whilst experiencing grief.
Socially and emotionally
Creative Expression You may find it helps to express your grief in creative ways i.e. writing, painting or music. Some people find that music can either soothe them or help bring the emotions right to the surface to be expressed though tears or words. Relaxation Make time for yourself to relax and give yourself space. Hobbies and interests may be a great way to unwind, you may want to take up something you have enjoyed in the past or start a new project.
Friends and family Friends and family can really help you cope better, even if you don’t feel like seeing anyone. It can be helpful to talk through difficulties and discuss ways of coping with someone that you are close to.
21
Physically Rest
The different emotions you experience through grief can make your feel more tired than normal. Try to take longer periods or rest. Even if you cannot sleep, it is important to get enough rest. Try to plan regular and consistent bedtimes. Exercise Keeping fit and active can improve your physical health, mood and ability to cope with problems. Try to get at least some gentle exercise each week. You could go for a walk, do some gardening or housework. Food and Drink What you eat or drink can affect your mood and sleep, try to cut down on junk food and introduce healthy food into your diet. Consider what you drink close to bedtime, caffeine and alcohol can interfere with your sleep.
22
Self Help Guide
Spiritually Religious organisations can be a great source of support, either in the form of individual support, attendance at services or exploration through reading. If you have no particular religious association you may find comfort through devising your own rituals – perhaps lighting a candle and just sitting quietly, thinking of the person who died, or spending time each week in a ‘special’ place – perhaps by the grave.
23
At the office
Create your own co ee break
Notice your body
Walk outside
Eat a meal in silence
Examine an everyday object with fresh eyes
Take deep belly breaths
Read or watch something funny
to take a break ways
Do some gentle stretches
Listen to a guided relaxation
Write a quick poem
Outdoors
Sit in nature
Climb a tree
Go to a farmer’s market
Go to a park
Meander around town
Take a bike ride
Plant a tree or a flower
Watch the clouds
Go for a run
Buy some fl owers
Go to a body of water
Fly a kite
Watch the stars
Drive somewhere new
At home
Turn off all electronics
Find a relaxing scent
Put on some music and dance
Write in a journal
Meditate
Pet a furry creature
Take a bath
Paint on a surface rather than paper
Colour with crayons
Make some music
Write a letter
Rest your legs up the wall
Light a candle
Listen to music
Everywhere
Forgive someone
Move twice as slowly
Let out a sigh
Engage in small act of kindness
Read poetry
View some art
Give thanks
Learn something new
Let go of something
Call a friend
Read a book
Take a nap
Helpful books
We recommend the following grief and loss books as both helpful and comforting for those grieving the loss of a loved one.
How to go on living when someone you loves dies Therese Rando This easy and practical read helps you understand the grieving process and find comfort in learning you are ‘normal’ in your grief. This self- help book provides specific coping strategies for different situations. Tear Soup Pat Schweibert This book is informative about grief for adults as well as children. Good for a grieving family to read together.
I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One Brook Noel & Pamela D Blair These two women have been there themselves, tell their stories, then provide a helpful hands-on approach to dealing with grief. It offers practical exercises for working through the mourning process. Especially helpful during the first weeks after a sudden tragic loss. Safe Passage: Words to Help the Grieving Hold Fast and Let Go Molly Fumia This book was written as the author belatedly mourned the loss of her first-born son. A compassionate, soothing book which helps the grieving hold fast to the memory of their loved one while passing through anger, confusion, guilt and loneliness to acceptance and transformation. Recommended for later on in the grief process.
A Grief Observed C.S. Lewis
Mr Lewis marries late to the love of his life, who died four years later of bone cancer. This book is his heavy spiritual journey through grief following her death.
26
Self Help Guide
When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter Judith R. Bernstein From a psychologist and a bereaved parent, whose twenty- six year old son died of cancer. She doesn’t believe in recovery concept. Instead she weaves her experience and the contributions of fifty other broken-hearted parents into a wonderful tapestry full of hope and resiliency. The Bereaved Parent Harriett S. Schiff This highly recommended book provides sensitive and practical advice and information to those who have ‘stared at hell and survived’. As a bereaved parent herself, Schiff’s tender and compassionate treatment of this painful subject makes her book a classic. Helps you put the issues of suicide into perspective, find answers to hard questions, and hold fast to hope. A practical guide to help dispel shame and begin the healing. No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One Carla Fine For survivors of suicide After Suicide John H. Hewitt For bereaved parents
Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief Martha Whitmore Hickman Ms Hickman penned this volume of light, comforting thoughts after the death of her 16 year old daughter in a riding accident. When Bad Things Happen to Good People Rabbi Harold Kushners Author experienced a crisis of faith when his 13 year- old son Aaron died of a rare disease. This national bestseller provides a uniquely practical and compassionate view on tragedy and grief. Especially helpful for those dealing with guilt issues or the ‘if onlys’. Living When a Loved One Has Died Earl Grollman A gentle, poetic journey through the realities, truth and hope of grief. In the form of poems, it expresses the raw feelings of grief, helping you feel what you need to feel, without making apologies for it. Recommended for the later stages of grief. A deep and compassionate understanding of grief that is useful for those of any spiritual belief. Levy realises that the question after a personal To Begin Again Rabbi Naomi Levy tragedy should not be, ‘why did this happen?’ but rather, ‘How can I go on?’
A very thorough and insightful resource for those coping with a suicide tragedy. More suitable for later on the grieving process.
27
28
Self Help Guide
Where to get help
Age UK 0800 055 6112 ageuk.org.uk Call Age UK to find out whether there is a local Age UK near you, and to order free copies of information guides. Bereavement Care 08081 691 922 bereavementcare.uk Bereavement Care are a leading bereavement organisation in the south of England, offering support via telephone, video call or face-to-face. Off The Record otrbristol.org.uk Provides free and confidential mental health support and information to young people aged 11-25 years old. Samaritans 116 123 samaritans.org Confidential, non-judgemental support for people in distress. Sands 0808 164 3332 sands.org.uk Support to parents, grandparents and their families when a baby dies during pregnancy or after birth.
Silverline 0800 470 8090 thesilverline.org.uk The Silver Line is a free confidential helpline providing information, friendship and advice to older people. Open 24 hours a day, every day of the year. Simon Says Provides child bereavement support to children, parents, teachers and carers throughout Hampshire. Sobs 0300 111 5065 uksobs.org A self-help, voluntary organisation. Many of those helping have themselves been bereaved by suicide. Winstons Wish 08088 020 021 winstonswish.org 023 8064 7550 simonsays.org.uk
Offers support, information and guidance to people caring for a bereaved child.
29
Our funeral homes
ALTON 71 High Street, GU34 1AB 01420 85298 ANDOVER 22 London Street, SP10 2PE 01264 334798 ASH VALE 231 Shawfield Road, GU12 5DL 01252 330834 AYLESBURY 73 Park Street, HP20 1DN 01296 395356 BASINGSTOKE 1 Buckland Parade, Buckland Avenue, RG22 6JW 01256 351606 BEDHAMPTON 96 Bedhampton Road, Havant, PO9 3EZ 02392 453549 BISHOPS WALTHAM 24 High Street, St George’s Square, SO32 1AA 01489 896305
BRACKNELL 12 Rectory Row, East Hampstead, RG12 7BN 01344 454398 BRIGHTON 155 Lewes Road, BN2 3LG 01273 626326 CHICHESTER Kingsham Avenue, PO19 8AW 01243 782209 COWPLAIN 37a London Road, PO8 8DF 02392 254490 EMSWORTH 31 North Street, PO10 7DA 01243 376458 FAREHAM 86 Trinity Street, PO16 7SJ 01329 280249 FARNBOROUGH 68 Victoria Road, GU14 7PH 01252 542236 FELPHAM 103-105 Felpham Way, PO22 8QB 01243 587067 FLEET 287 Fleet Road, GU51 3BT 01252 623098 FINDON VALLEY 202 Kings Parade, Findon
FRIMLEY GREEN 3 Wharf Road, Camberley, GU16 6LE 01252 837506 FROME 1 Nunney Road, BA11 4LA 01373 473426 GILLINGHAM 2 High Street, SP8 4QT 01747 824738 GORING-BY-SEA 56 Goring Road, Worthing, BN12 4AD 01903 505757 GOSPORT - ALVERSTOKE 147 Stoke Road, PO12 1SE 02392 581032 GOSPORT - ROWNER 11 Rowner Road, PO13 9UB 02392 502281 HAYLING ISLAND 20 Mengham Road, PO11 9BL 02392 460047 HAZLEMERE 21 Park Parade Centre, HP15 7AA 01494 717347 HIGH WYCOMBE 110 Dashwood Avenue, HP12 3EB 01494 451292
BOGNOR REGIS - NORTH BERSTED 230 Chichester Road, PO21 5BA 01243 865119 BOGNOR REGIS - ROSE GREEN 6 Nyetimber Lane, PO21 3HG 01243 268681
Road, BN14 0EJ 01903 877035
30
Self Help Guide
HOVE 38 Blatchington Road, BN3 3YH 01273 771332 ISLE OF WIGHT - EAST COWES 8-10 Ferry Road, PO32 6RA 01983 291263 ISLE OF WIGHT - FRESHWATER The Avenue, PO40 9UU 01983 756503 ISLE OF WIGHT - LAKE 1 The Fairway, Sandown, PO36 9EE 01983 403832 ISLE OF WIGHT - NEWPORT 61 Upper St James Street, PO30 1LQ 01983 537213 ISLE OF WIGHT - RYDE 45 St John’s Road, PO33 2RN 01983 615746 ISLE OF WIGHT - SHANKLIN 76 Regent Street, PO37 7AP 01983 861196 LEIGH PARK 194-196 Dunsbury Way, PO9 5BQ 02392 484499 LISS 3 Lower Mead, Hillbrow Road, GU33 7RL 01730 895593 PEACEHAVEN 217 South Coast Road, BN10 8LA 01273 585818
SHAFTESBURY Greenacre House, Salisbury Road, SP7 8BS 01747 858968 SHOREHAM-BY-SEA 68 High Street, BN43 5DB 01273 464647 UCKFIELD 65 High Street, TN22 1AP 01825 764125 WARMINSTER 3 George Street, BA12 8QA 01985 220105 02392 266105 WENDOVER 3 Holly Court, Tring Road, HP22 6PE 01296 696224 WHITCHURCH 3 Winchester Street, RG28 7AH 01256 895914 WIDLEY 1 Cornwall Buildings, London Road, PO7 5AB 02392 378472 WATERLOOVILLE 320 London Road, PO7 7DU
PORTSMOUTH - COPNOR 65 Tangier Road, PO3 6JH 02392 698362 PORTSMOUTH - COSHAM 47 High Street, PO6 3AX 02392 383460 PORTSMOUTH - EASTNEY 131 Eastney Road, PO4 8DZ 02392 873218 PORTSMOUTH - FRATTON 157 Fratton Road, PO1 5ER 02392 863031 PORTSMOUTH - NORTH END 52 London Road, PO2 0LN 02392 662534 PORTSMOUTH - PAULSGROVE 181 Allaway Avenue, PO6 4HG 02392 372106
funeralcare.co.uk
31
Bereavement Care is a non-profit organisation that provides FREE emotional, social and practical support for bereaved people. If you or someone you know would like to find out more about the services we provide, please contact us: 08081 691 922 info@bereavementcare.uk bereavementcare.uk
Mutual Services (Portsmouth) Limited. Registered in England and Wales Company No. 05904980. VAT Registration No. 107 6564 68. NAFD Membership 2629. Registered office: 1000 Lakeside, Western Road, Portsmouth, Hampshire, PO6 3FE. Mutual Services (Portsmouth) Limited a subsidiary of The Southern Co-operative Limited. V1 June2023
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30 Page 31 Page 32Made with FlippingBook - professional solution for displaying marketing and sales documents online