grandparenting Imagine, for example, that you are concerned about how a grandson talks disrespectfully to his mother. If you confront him and suggest that he change his tone and show more respect for his mom, he is likely to feel defen- sive, and he is sure to feel that you have judged him and are critical of him. On the other hand if you can get him to ask you about his relationship with his mother, you become his requested consultant rather than his unwel- come, critical “corrector.” So how do we get our grandkids to ask? It takes some doing! We have gone so far as to offer a dollar for every good, thoughtful question a grandkid can ask me. We’ve explained to them that in today’s world, answers are cheap and easy, but really good questions are rare and incredibly valuable. As they get older, we’ve tried to give them an introduction to the word “consul- tant” and why we want to play that role with them. We explain that we’ve had a lot of experience and, believe it or not, we remember when their parents were their age. Thus, we can listen to what they are doing or feeling or needing or trying to decide, and I can give them advice rather than commands, and they know. And we assure them that, whether they follow our advice or not, we will always love and accept them totally. We even tell them that consultants usually cost a lot, but that they are lucky because they can get us for free. One very direct way to get grandkids to ask you ques- tions is to frame a discussion or a “Grandpa or Grandma date conversation” along the lines of taking turns with questions. First, you ask your granddaughter some ques- tions about her life, taking notes and listening actively. Then, say that it is her turn and that she can ask you
about favorite subjects, activities, movies, music, and on and on. Taking notes makes the conversations feel more serious and consequential and allows you, on a future occasion, to start with something like, “You know, since our lunch, I’ve been thinking about some things you said....” For a more in-depth “consulting session,” take a little road trip together. Car time can be one of the best openings. Don’t give in to the natural instinct to give advice or lecture every time you think of something. Just keep him talking and keep your use of “Really?” coming, and keep thoughts or your notes in your own head until the time feels right to suggest something. One surefire way to hold a grandkid’s interest is to tell them stories about their parents when they were their age. It’s hard for teens to actually imagine their parents as teens who actually felt and experienced some of the things they are feeling and doing now — but it is very beneficial and reassuring when they do. Remember that this consulting relationship you try to establish with your grandkids is not just another little phase. It is the kind of communication and trust you want to have with them for the rest of your life.
whatever she wants and you will try to answer hon- estly. As you praise their questions and give them other opportunities, the beautiful aspect of “questions for each other” will make your relationship closer and closer. One surefire way to hold a grandkid’s interest is to tell them stories about their parents when they were their age. It’s actually much easier to give advice to our grand- kids than to our kids. The grandchildren are generally not trying to prove anything, and they don’t feel belittled or distrusted like our kids often do. Sometimes, something as simple as picking up a grand-kid from school for his lunch hour and going to his favorite burger place for a half hour can yield some great interaction. Once you have set up and defined together the “consulting relationship” you are in a posi- tion to start asking questions about what interests him most, about friends, about likes and dislikes in school, about goals for the school year, about summer plans, ” “
Richard and Linda Eyre’s parenting and life-balance books have reached millions and been translated into a dozen languages. As fellow Baby Boomers, their passion and their writing focus has now shifted to the joy of Grandparenting. Linda’s latest book is Grandmothering , Richard’s is Being a Proactive grandfather , and their latest co- authored book is
Life in Full. All three of these are now on sale on Amazon.
40 GRANDP arenting
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