grandparenting About giving advice and the use of duct tape BY RICHARD AND LINDA EYRE O ne of the hardest things about watch- ing our children as they create their own culture with their spouses and Most grandparents have to admit that these kinds of thoughts may have also crossed our minds concerning our own children’s parenting,
their own children is knowing whether or not to give advice! We often think we know exactly what would “fix” things that aren’t working, but should we tell them? It’s a dilemma! It can undermine or even break a relationship. Negative comments can create feelings of offense and incompetence and lead to less communication in the future. I (Linda) have often thought that it would be good to take along some duct tape that I could put over my mouth when I feel an urge to say something that could be offensive. Even more important, I need to carry it for Richard’s mouth! More about that later. In talking to a young friend whose parents are highly critical, she shared a few things that her parents were saying about their only child that were meant to be helpful but that came across as sharp criticism. They said things like, “You just can’t say no!” “Your child terrorizes you!” and “That child is too sensitive!”
but comments like this are not helpful! Even if we are pretty sure we have the answer to their problems, giving advice on “how to do it” (especially unsolicited) is the last thing our kids usually need. But not giving advice is hard. It is so temping to say things like, “Just say no!” or “Can’t you see what’s happening here?” or “You’ve got to let him know who’s the boss!” or “He needs to know that the consequences for disobedience are swift and automatic!” When those thoughts come to our minds…it’s time to get out the duct tape and slap it over our mouths! I’ve found that the best thing I can do for parents who are exasperated with a child who is misbehaving is to give them confidence in finding a solution. Unless you feel that the child is in danger of serious or life-changing conse- quences it usually works to say something like, “I know this child might be driving you crazy right now and you may think he is going to end ”
51 GRANDP arenting “ Even if we are pretty sure we have the answer to their problems, giving advice on “how to do it” (especially unsolicited) is the last thing our kids usually need.
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