Teach Children Generosity Through Autonomy Forced Sharing Is Not Caring
depending only on their whim and how dramatically I beg for my turn. I am in constant competition to get what I need. If I make my parent miserable, I’ll get what I want.
One of the most common principles of early childhood education is teaching children to play well with others, and oftentimes, this includes teaching them to share. While this aspect of education seems like a no-brainer to some, others have started to question the importance of sharing. In fact, this movement is taking the internet and nation by storm, one blog and social media post at a time, and it’s gaining traction with parents and preschools alike. According to Laura Markham, clinical psychologist at Columbia University and author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings,” “Forcing children to share doesn’t teach the lessons we want them to learn.” During preschool, kids are learning to meet their own needs, and rather than teaching kids to speak up for themselves, forced sharing teaches them the following thoughts.
When we teach kids that they can use an object for as long as they’d like and that they can give it to the other child when they are finished, we are teaching them the following thoughts.
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I can ask for what I want. Sometimes, I get a turn soon, and sometimes, I have to wait.
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It’s okay to cry, but it doesn’t mean I get my way.
Forced sharing undermines children’s ability to lose themselves in play while also plaguing their relationships with other children with constant competition. In the end, neither child gets to experience true generosity from their peer. So, what should be taught? Markham says children need to be given the tools to handle sharing situations. “We do want our child to notice when another child would like a turn, and to ensure that child gets a turn,” she said. “And when someone else has something that our child wants, we hope that she’ll be able to control her impulses and use her words to work out an arrangement so that she can use the object in the future.”
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I don’t get everything I want.
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I don’t have to whine and convince my parent that I need a turn, because I know I will get it. When I give my toy to my sibling, I feel good inside. I’m a generous person. According to Markham, this helps your child learn patience and empathy, which may leave them better equipped to handle bigger situations in the future. Forced sharing may seem positive in nature, but the harmful competition it creates may rob children of the chance to be truly generous and communicate their feelings and desires.
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If I cry loud enough, I get what I want.
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Parents are in charge of who gets what and when, and it’s arbitrary,
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