by Paul Bayles, Pastor, Christ Cammunity Church Canoga Park, Calif.
the Christian home S h o u l d quarrelling exist in the happy marriage? Is it normal for husbands and wives to argue? What about the Christian couple— shouldn’t peace and harmony always exist in the Christian home? These are questions that frequently provoke young marrieds. A simple answer to these questions is not possi ble. Obviously, one must first define the terms used. The words “ argue” and “ quarrel” mean different things to each one of us. To some, the terms recall memories of extreme and pain ful knock down, drag out experiences of the not too distant past. The imagi nation of others conjure up a scene of horror by these words. Others see in the words a symbol of one’s free dom to differ and discuss those differ ences, sometimes calmly and some times emotionally. We all define these terms subjectively, in the context of what we have experienced. An overly simplified definition for “ quarrelling” might be the natural and occasional expressions of our dif ferences of opinion, which differences are caused by variety in personality and by the basic male and female hostilities and rivalries. It is this to which we refer in our discussion. Every couple must accept the fact that these hostilities are present in the normal, healthy marriage. Is this equally true of Christian couples? Is this disagreement factor present in a truly “ spiritual” home? At a recent conference conducted for some outstanding Christian collegi- ates, I had the pleasure of leading group studies on principles and prob lems of marriage. One statement was, “An argument is always a destructive force in mar ried life.” The majority of the group disagreed with this statement. They defended the possibility of gaining insight and of making mature prog ress in their relationship as the re sult of arguing. Another statement related to the problem was, “ Quarrelling is always wrong for a Christian couple.” The same collegiates agreed with this! The insertion of the word “ Christian” caused them to reverse their position. One might feel that this indicates high and noble standards. No doubt it does. Perhaps it also- indicates re ligious unrealism. Certainly Christ in the marriage and in the home will provide motiva tion to work through all problems, to solve them in an atmosphere of love and understanding. However, the
fact that these problems exist and that disagreements over them will arise, producing “ discussions” both emotional and unemotional, must not be denied. Christian couples are not exempt from them. It is doubtful if God wants us to be exempt from them. We learn from them. It is not the facing of these issues that is sin. It is the escaping of them under the cloak of “ super spirituality” that is both dishonest and productive of more complex grief. A rather humorous article, “ The Fine Art of Family Fighting,” writ ten by the Wacker brothers, states that it is only according to our myths that happily married couples live for ever in quiet harmony. Who would want to? This would be boring. They offer 10 rules for family fighting: 1. Don’t enter a fight to “ win.” Your personal victory may set the team back. 2. Try to discover what you’re really fighting for. The real reason often is not the one that started the fireworks in the first place. 3. Limit yourself to just one issue per fight. You can’t settle every dis agreement in a single debate. 4. Sulking or the “ silent treat ment” turns every fight into a per petual feud. 5. There are times not to fight. When one partner is blindly angry, or when you do not have the chance to thrash the matter out completely. 6. If you want a respectful hear ing of your complaints — listen re spectfully to your mate’s complaints. 7. Don’t stoop to pointless name calling. 8. Avoid ultimatums, challenges, or threats you’d find awkward to carry out later on. 9. Once a fight has been settled, bury it. 10. Remember: one fight does not a marriage make or break. The Christian couple will admit the problem. They will then face the real issues together. They will share them in prayer with the Saviour who already knows the problems that exist, but who loves them anyway. With a basic love for each other and for their marriage, the paliners will mutually exercise Christian charity by giving and taking, for the good of the “ team.” They will face the issues until real clarification has been achieved. They will adjust according to these insights. They will forgive and forget. THIS is a Christian home!
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