college experience might not be the same as your child’s. She often hears parents comment that college was the best time of their lives, so why is their child struggling? According to Burton, when children hear this, they can internalize that they are wrong for struggling or not liking college. To help, lean in with curiosity to a child’s experience, instead of putting an experience on their child. COPING TOOLS A tool that can help parents adjust is intentional reflection. When parents get worried about how their child is doing, or even just missing their child, they tend to want to go into “fix mode.” But this can lead to broken boundaries and create more frustration. “I like to use reflection as a way to not necessarily fix the uncomfortable emotions, but rather learn to manage the discomfort when it comes up,” says Burton. Parents can reflect on their accomplishments with parenting (“I raised an intelligent/kind/ capable child”), helpful qualities about their child (“My child is good at making friends and managing their time”), or any other pieces of information that can help them recognize that their child will be ok, she explains. The discomfort that can come with these transitions do not last forever. Burton’s one piece of reassurance to offer parents navigating this stage is that it is temporary. “I like to compare it to the newborn stage, where the sleepless nights, crying, and overall transition to parenthood feels endless. Then one day, sleep starts coming more naturally, the crying seems to slow down, and you feel like you have the hang of caring for a child.” Colleges often have resources not only for students, but for parents making this transition as well. Some colleges may contain versions of “parent corners” on their websites that contain information about what is happening at the school and how they can support their child in the transition. Every parent has their own experience when it comes to this transition. You might feel different feelings and emotions than your spouse or friends in the same stage. But just because you feel differently than someone else does not make you wrong or a bad parent, Burton assures. She says it is important to give yourself, and your student, grace throughout these changes.
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