Humanist Weddings and the Queer Community By Sarah Donovan (She/her)
Chosen Family Most of the queer people I know have grown up with strong feelings of being different or other. With very few role models growing up, we were often the only gay in the village and even more often the only gay in the family. That’s why when the queer person does find the space to ‘come out’ and live their authentic lives, it is such a jubilation. We start to make connections with people just like ourselves- we find a tribe. The bonds that are made within the LGBTQ+ are very intense. These close friends often become our Chosen Family. So many of the queer couples I have married have wanted their Chosen Family to be front and centre of their celebration. As a Humanist Celebrant, I think it is really important to give the couple that space. I encourage the couple to include their chosen family in their ceremony: let them pour sand in the Sand Ceremony, let them bring the ribbons for the Handfasting, let them mix the drinks in the Quaich. Sometimes accompanying words will spell out the importance of the Chosen Family, sometimes the action alone says it all. Inclusive Language To use Inclusive language is a conscious effort to choose words and phrases that do not exclude or marginalize any group of people. With the language I use in a Humanist Wedding, I aim to create a welcoming environment where everyone feels valued and respected. So many of ceremonies begin with the call to attention of ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’. We expect it. We’re almost waiting for it. I avoid the term like the plague. It reflects historical social norms and etiquette but is not a phrase for our time. I’m not sure how the term ‘gentleman’ affects most men but I know that so many women hate the term ‘ lady’. The weight of expectation is to be good, quiet and feminine. That immediately excludes the masculine presenting or ‘butch’ women in the room. And where is the non-binary inclusion? I prefer to use terms like ‘Friends and Family’ or occasionally ‘Folks’. That way nobody gets left behind. There are many opportunities to use inclusive language in our Humanist ceremonies. I would not say, for example, of a Transgender person, that they were ‘born male or female’ but rather they were ‘assigned male/female at birth’. I think this language more accurately depicts the situation of what happened at birth. Equally, instead of
saying ‘both genders’ or ‘opposite sex’, I use the term ‘all genders’. ‘Both’ implies there are only two; ‘opposite’ reinforces antagonism amongst genders. Many queer people have experienced being ‘othered’. With the language we use, we can make the world a slightly safer space for everybody– at least the temporary world of the Humanist ceremony. Practical Implications The key to any ceremony, in the planning and execution, is for the couple to feel truly supported. How do I do that? I do not assume. If I am unsure about how people identify, I ask them respectfully. Individuals themselves will know best how they identify. Any question asked with compassion will be appreciated. I try to use inclusive language in my written and spoken words. I ask the people I work with to correct me when I get it wrong. We are all on this learning journey together. I try to be sensitive. We all have a story. For some LGBTQ+ people, getting married can bring up some difficult parts of their story. I try to let the couple know that they are being listened to with compassion. I encourage celebration! What a wonderful occasion! Two people are publicly declaring their love for one another. Let’s honour that; Let’s fly the flag a bit! Use the proud, rainbow colours in the flowers, sing the songs of your favourite queer performer, read the words of your hero queer campaigner, wear the clothes that work for you. This is your day- embrace it all! Conclusion My aim is to guarantee that every couple feels seen, heard, and celebrated on their special day. Love knows no boundaries, and I want to craft a ceremony that is authentic, meaningful, and inclusive. I want my LGBTQ+ couples to hold their partners hand with pride, to feel safe that, yes, it may have been challenging at times but together they can take on the world!
I am so proud of my identity as a lesbian and I feel it’s such a privilege to be a member of the queer community, with its vibrant tapestry woven from diverse strands of backgrounds, ethnicities, careers, ages, genders etc. This richness is, without doubt, one of the queer community’s most precious strengths. I feel pretty much the same about being a member of the Humanist community. Humanism is a philosophy of life and ethics, based on concern for humanity and the natural world. We do not draw inspiration or guidance from any divine being. Most of us are atheist or agnostic. Having said that, Humanist ceremonies strive to be inclusive- they are not anti-religious just not-religious. Becoming a Celebrant I love working with members of my own LGBTQ+ community. It was my involvement with the Marriage Equality Referendum in Ireland in 2015 that sparked my initial interest in becoming a Humanist Celebrant. Like most people involved in the campaign, it was my first time on the doorsteps. I felt I wanted to be involved in Marriage Equality in a different way. The idea of being able to perform the official duties as a celebrant drew me and I set off on the journey to be a Humanist Celebrant. I completed my training in 2021 and began the work (This was a long way from my college degree in Theology). Being a queer celebrant has helped me realise that while it is true that same-sex weddings are now legally recognized and celebrated, it is important to acknowledge that there may still be some differences and distinctions. Each couple has their own story and experiences, and it's important to create a ceremony that reflects their individuality and celebrates their love in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to them.
Marriage Equality I have mentioned the Marriage Equality Referendum in 2015. Many of the couples I work with were involved directly or indirectly with the campaign. Whether it was knocking on doors and having conversations with strangers or sitting at home talking with family and friends, most people who engaged with the campaign have been moved and changed by the experience. Much of the feeling is relief, elation or joy- we won with 62%, becoming the first country to approve same-sex marriage by popular vote. What a result! It was a massive step towards full recognition of the rights of the LGBTQ+ community. Some of the feeling, however, is not so positive. Few on the campaign were untouched by the vitriol and hate of the minority. It was a very tough journey even if the destination was well worth the trek. Failing to acknowledge the significance of the campaign for an LGBTQ+ couple as they prepare for their wedding would be lacking sensitivity. Many couples want to talk about their experience when you meet them and quite a few want the referendum acknowledged in the ceremony. Some will speak themselves about their experience; some will include a reading, perhaps a speech by a public figure; some will ask me to say a few words about the campaign as an introduction to the wedding ceremony. It is likely at a same-sex wedding, the couple won’t be the people in the room cheering and tearing-up at the mention. Privilege When I meet any couple for the first time, I open my ears and listen to their story. I try not to make any assumptions and keep an open mind. The best way to get to the heart of a couples’ story is to ask questions. With a couple from the LBGTQ+ community my questions may be slightly different. I try to empathetically check on the experience of being a LBGTQ+ couple. There are a variety of privileges that the queer community (and other communities) have limited access to, that are taken for granted in the straight or heterosexual community. For example, the couple may not be ‘out’ to their family or work colleagues and may not be able to invite them to the ceremony. Some couples may have experienced homophobia within their family and know that while the family member may be present, they do not support their union. Some may have been attacked in some way for showing affection to their partner and be shy or even afraid of a public display of affection at their wedding. The kiss, while it is often a highpoint in a wedding ceremony, can be the point of dread for some couples. We cannot ignore what can be taken so much for granted by others. That is the whole nature of privilege.
About Sarah Donovan
Humanist, Queer, Vegan, Ukulele Player, Gardener, Campervanner and Occasional Activist. Hailing from Kilkenny, she has made Cork her home for 14 years with her wife Louise, and two lurchers. Since 2013, she has sung with Choral Con Fusion and in 2018 co-founded Beours Dyke Night, fostering a vibrant community until its culmination last year.
Having studied Theology in college, she taught for 17 years in a secondary school in Dublin, followed by 10 years in Adult Education in Ballincollig. Today, she celebrates life’s milestones as a Humanist Celebrant accredited by the Humanist Association of Ireland, which is the only organisation that can perform legal, secular weddings in Ireland.
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