Addressing Intimate Partner Violence and Control in Gay Relationships ReachOUT
The reachOUT project OSS Cork is the only dedicated domestic violence service in the Cork region that works with men as well as women. Noticeably few gay men were using OSS Cork services, while conversations with Gay Project confirmed problems with IPV in the
• Do they ever threaten to out you? • Do they constantly criticise your family and friends? • Do they ever go through your phone or social media? • Have they shared explicit or intimate images or videos of you online without your permission? • Do you feel you are being watched or monitored by your partner? • Do they threaten your migrant or visa status? • Do they ever threaten you, your children, your friends or family? • Do they ever hit, kick, or shove you? • Have they ever controlled or withheld essential medications or hormones? • Have they ever forced or pressured you to do anything sexual that you didn’t want to do, including under the influence of drugs or alcohol? • Do they ever withhold access to money, transport or work? If you don’t recognise any of these signs, but something still feels wrong, it probably is. Frontline staff should be on the lookout for signs such as whether clients • Appear frightened of their partner/ex-partner. • Allow their partner to speak on their behalf. • Make excuses for their partner’s behaviour. • Appear socially isolated, anxious or depressed. • Have no or limited access to money. • Have unexplained injuries, or wear unusual clothing as if to hide an injury. (e.g. sunglasses indoors or long sleeves in summer) • Continually get calls or texts from their partner/ ex-partner checking where they are and who they’re with. • Appear defensive or concerned about engaging with Gardaí or other services. If you are concerned that a client is experiencing IPV • Do not presume heterosexuality or monogamy. • Remain non-judgmental about behaviours such as Chemsex, multiple partners, hookups, etc. • Speak to them without the partner being present. • Ask them if they feel safe. • Assure them that the abuse is not their fault, even if they have fought back. • Support, but don’t advise. • Give information on available domestic abuse services.
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community. To address this, the reachOUT project, funded by Tusla, was conceived. The project has so far involved a focus group, a community survey and interviews with Gay community members and relevant service providers to investigate IPV and help-seeking among Cork’s Gay community. Preliminary findings show: • Lack of awareness of the issue of MSM IPV among individuals, the Gay community, service providers and the general public. • Normalising, shame and self-blame impacting recognition and reporting of IPV. • Low levels of trust in mainstream services. • Need for awareness-raising campaign — posters, social media etc. • Training for service providers: to recognise, respond, refer. • More visibly inclusive mainstream service spaces. Forty-three men completed the survey, and more than half reported physical, mental or sexual abuse by a partner or ex-partner in their lifetime. More than half had experienced sexual abuse from a partner or ex-partner, two in five had experienced physical abuse, with the same number subjected to emotional abuse. One in three had experienced HIV/ Trans/ health related abusive behaviours, and a third of men had experienced financial abuse from a partner or ex-partner in their lifetime. “...there was a lot of mental controlling going on, I was like, you know, I was in love with this person, and then later on it led to him having sex with me without consent, or rape.” (Den, 50s) Few would first seek help outside of their immediate friends and family, although a sizeable number would go to Gay Project or search the web for help. None would first approach the Gardaí or a Domestic Violence service. “My reaction and the reaction of a lot of people is that if you’re not physically being hit, it’s not worth reporting it. The Guards would say, well, he hasn’t hit you so there’s nothing we can do.” (Dan, 60s) Individual interviews with community members showed a lack of trust in the Gardaí and a common belief that mainstream services don’t work with MSM. Interviews with social workers, Gardaí, medics, sexual health and community workers found that although aware of IPV in the Gay community, feel they lack specific training in how to identify or respond and often don’t even know where to refer, particularly since there are no refuges for male victims. Same-sex intimate partner violence and control is a global and a local issue. The OSS Cork and Gay Project are working together to raise awareness, create pathways and provide appropriate, free and confidential supports to men and their families who are affected by this serious issue. Signs to watch out for in your relationships • Do they complain that you don’t spend enough time with them? • Do they criticise your appearance?
Risk factors “The Church said we were intrinsically evil, and I found out from the police when I was caught doing something when I was around 14, that it was a criminal offence. So all my problems stem from, I literally thought I was worthless, evil, and a criminal, from the age of about 13 on.” (Fran, 60s)
While fabulous, beaming same-sex couples tying the knot have festooned LGBTQ+ social media in the past few years, a darker, less visible reality has lurked in the shadows behind these images. Intimate partner violence and control (IPV) is sadly just as likely in LGBTQ+ relationships as the more familiar domestic violence in heterosexual relationships, but is often not be recognised or addressed until it reaches critical levels. “I mean, the images that immediately come to mind are shadows, usually it’s shadows, it’s a male almost literally striking a female. That’s the image that comes to my mind.” (Glen , 50s) Although similar to heterosexual domestic violence, additional factors may affect the rates, types, impacts and outcomes of IPV for LGBTQ+ people. Homophobia can act both as a cause of IPV and as a barrier to help-seeking. IPV in the Gay Community “It’s hard to admit as a man, that, you know, you’re weak, you’re vulnerable, because we already get it, You’re not a real man as a queer man, you know?” (Fran, 60s) Intimate partner violence is rooted in social systems that privilege particular forms of masculinity, enforce rigid sex and gender roles, and control the expression of sexuality. While IPV is predominantly carried out by a male perpetrator on a female victim, IPV can occur in the privacy of any intimate relationship where one partner chooses to exert control over another. Types of IPV Many types of IPV are common across straight and LGBTQ+ populations, while some disproportionately affect relationships between men who have sex with men (MSM). Research shows LGBTQ+ individuals experience IPV at rates equal to or higher than heterosexuals, with MSM five times more likely to experience abuse from a male intimate partner than straight men from a female partner.
Many factors can increase vulnerability to IPV, including “minority stress” resulting from experiencing stigma and
discrimination, isolation, mental and physical health issues, and being a member of another minority group such as migrants or Travellers. “I remember one thing he told me when we were fighting one day, that I should go back to the shit where I came from. And I remember when I heard that as a foreigner, the only thing I could do was pack up my stuff and then I just had my whole life just packed in a car after that.” (Lee, 30s) Relationship dynamics including unequal age, financial or social status, multiple partners, drug and alcohol use, Chemsex, and buying or selling sex can also increase the risk of IPV. “Because it was like he was trying to tell me that he was rich, powerful, and I would never accomplish anything if I left him. So it was more like, well, maybe he’s right. Do you know? When you hear that month after month.” (Lee, 30s) IPV has far reaching health and mental health, social and financial effects on individuals, families, and society. Added to this, MSM are less likely to seek help, resulting in more severe cases and poorer outcomes. IPV in Ireland In recent research, Gay Project found that more than half of respondents felt that there were not enough supports available to the Gay community, and rated safety and security as the top priority for the Gay community in Ireland. Ireland’s National LGBTI+ Inclusion Strategy 2019-2021 in its Safety Pillar states that LGBTI+ victims of crime will be supported and included in mainstream service provision, and Ireland’s Third National Strategy on Domestic, Sexual and Gender-Based Violence explicitly names LGBTI+ people, recognising that experiencing discrimination, such as prejudice and abuse, can add to the risk of intimate partner violence. The law has also been changing in recent years, with the enactment in 2019 of a new criminal offence of coercive control, and new stand-alone offences of stalking and non- fatal strangulation in 2023. Coercive control is defined as a prolonged, persistent and deliberate pattern of behaviour designed to achieve obedience and create fear. It may include coercion, threats, stalking, intimidation, isolation, degradation and control. It may also include physical and/or sexual violence. These legal changes allow for new types of restraining orders to be sought by all victims, and introduce tougher sentencing for convicted perpetrators.
For further information and support, contact • OSS Cork, 94, South Main Street, Cork. FREEPHONE 1800 497 497 • Gay Project, Sawmill Street, Ballintemple, Cork 021 430 0430 • An Garda Siochána - contact your local Garda station or in an emergency call 112
General types of IPV • Physical • Psychological/emotional • Sexual • Financial • Social isolation
Dr Angela O’Connell. Development worker, OSS Cork Domestic Violence Information Resource Centre, 94 South Main St, Cork
IPV particularly affecting MSM relationships • Emotional, verbal, social abuse. • Greater risk of physical injury due to IPV than heterosexual victims. • Outing. • Biphobia and homophobic slurs • HIV-related abuse. (e.g. lying about status, intentional transmission, withholding meds) • Forced sex, refusal to recognise safe words, refusing safer sex.
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