OKAY, THEN, WHAT’S A FETISH? How good of you to ask. You’re on fire.
An Intro to Kink By Aoife Murray (she/her)
A fetish is any object, non-sexual body part or physical attribute that provokes arousal. The word fetish originally referred to an amulet that held magical power. Nowadays, those magical properties come in the form of erotic tingling. To put it simply, if you’re a fetishist, you’ll find engaging with your fetish object exciting. Incorporating it into sexual activity may add an extra spark of satisfaction. Fetishes tend to be everyday items. For example, the most common fetish in the world is feet, and most of us have two of those. Despite what you might see online, few fetishists find their desire to be a hindrance to intimate relationships. In reality, it’s not too far removed from having a preference for a partner with blond hair and bright blue eyes or dark locks and smouldering brown eyes. We all have our preferences; a fetishist has just formed a deeper sexual connection to their desire. Whether we’re looking at kinks, fetishes, or BDSM relationships, we may unfortunately encounter stigma. I strive to provide accurate information and tackle the shame that might accompany having desires outside the ‘norm’. Once we’re focused on consent and limiting possible harm to ourselves and our partners, then we can hold our kinky heads high and be proudly intimate on our terms. BDSM Bondage - Restraining or being restrained by a partner. Think cuffs, a collar and leash, or the beautiful art of Japanese rope bondage known as shibari/kinbaku. Discipline - Enforcing rules or expected behaviour. This includes potential correction for failing to meet these negotiated standards. Have you been naughty, dear reader? Dominance - Accepting power from another Submission - Offering power to another Sadism - Deriving pleasure from consensually giving pain Masochism - Deriving pleasure from
INTRO I’m Aoife Murray, a kink educator, and I’ll be your tour guide for the taboo. I teach risk-informed kink practices. So, whatever your pleasure, you can prioritise consent and the well-being of all involved. If you’re a student, you might have seen me hosting student union workshops. I’m a regular fixture at sexual health weeks throughout the country. I also work with clients 1-1 for more in-depth coaching. We use this time to look at tools anyone can borrow from the BDSM community for clear communication in relationships. I’m honoured to work with fellow abuse survivors, enabling them to engage with intimacy on their terms, and helping disabled clients find fulfilling sex lives via sex aids and self-care tools. I’m a quoted intimacy expert by IrelandAM, The Irish Independent, Glamour, and Mashable. So you’re in safe hands as I introduce you to the naughtier side of life, thrust my questionable puns on you... and show you the ropes (ba dum tss). I’m thrilled to contribute to this year’s Cork Pride Magazine. Between you and me, working with LGBT+ organisations is my absolute favourite. My queer clientele, without fail, holds the most supportive and shame-free conversations about kink. It’s no wonder when LGBT+ people often face judgement for who and how they love. So join me for this crash course where I’ll emphasise the overlap of the kink and queer communities. KINK & FETISH So what is a kink, you ask? What a great conversation starter, hypothetical audience! A kink is a beautifully broad term for any intimate practice that may be considered taboo. That wide net can include anything from spanking and tickling to pet play and swinging. While kink and sexual activities can pair together wonderfully, kink can also be non-sexual. People of all sexualities can find a home in the kink community if they wish. In my work, I see many asexual individuals, in particular, using kink as a positive outlet. It offers a myriad of options for expressing intimacy outside of sexual activity. In my experience, most people have a kink of some kind. Just that little something that falls outside typical scripts of intimacy but brings you fulfilment.
striving for more ethical practices. I was fortunate enough to come of age in a very different landscape. Today, BDSM communities are far more accessible, and thorough consent practices are expected. However, no community is perfect, and we should always have frank conversations with a partner about consent. We should prioritise open communication and remember that no boundary is too big or small to be valid. My time in the community inspired me to create my own consent framework. I’ve been able to condense my many kinky lessons into a simple guide. Whether you’re straight or gay, kinky or vanilla, monogamous or poly, you deserve a clear guide to consent. HERE’S A HANDFUL OF TIPS TO MAKE YOUR CONSENT PRACTISES ORGASMIC Ongoing: Our comfort level with an intimate activity can change at any point, and that’s okay. Keep lines of communication open. Consider using check-ins or safewords. Risk informed: We cannot consent without understanding the implications of our choices. Can you name the risks at hand? How will you and your partner(s) minimise them? Given freely: We should always feel safe saying ‘no.’ Reassuring your partner that you can stop at any point goes a long way. Affirmative: Seek an active ‘yes’ rather than proceeding until you hear ‘no’. Specific: Be sure to ask before changing from one activity to another. And remember that consenting once doesn’t mean you’ve given blanket permission. Mutual: Check in to make sure everyone is on the same page. Mutual consent doesn’t just apply to physical acts: for example - always ask before sending nudes or sexting.
giving up the ability to consent. For some, BDSM stays in the bedroom/play session; we would refer to these people as either a Top (the giver) or a bottom (the receiver). Others carry power exchange into daily life. It can be a foundation on which their entire relationship is built. Someone who offers control to their partner in this ongoing way is called a submissive. Their counterpart, who accepts this power and provides structure, is called a Dominant. THE ORIGINS OF BDSM: THE MEN, THE MYTHS, AND THE LEGENDS You may have noticed that the BDSM community uses some similar terminology to the LGBT+ community. That’s because we BDSM-ers can draw our origins from the LGBT+ community. All communities have their origin stories, often composed of part truth and part legend. One thing we can be sure of is that BDSM isn’t a new phenomenon. The ‘Tomb of the Whipping’ created in Lazio, Italy, 490 BCE, is a wall painting depicting a woman performing oral sex on a man standing in front of her while being flogged by another to her rear. The famed Kama Sutra has several sections dedicated to impact play or “erotic hitting”, as it’s termed. Us kinky feckers have persisted throughout the ages. It’s said that the modern BDSM community rose to prominence in the 1940s & ‘50s. World War II was a time of massive societal change. Shifting class barriers, taking part in the war effort, and rapid technological advancement created unique opportunities for LGBT+ folk to connect. The story goes that men returning from active duty drew on the hierarchical structures of their military service to form organisations for kinky gay men. Motorcycle clubs were particularly common, and so leather and BDSM became inextricably linked. As a kink educator, I do my best to acknowledge my founding fathers and pay respect to those brave enough to seek out avenues for authentic intimacy. However, it’s important to note that many early communities didn’t hold to the consent standards we pride ourselves on today. We can appreciate the groundwork laid for us while
consensually receiving pain Did you already know all six terms? Redeem your gold star by messaging me on Instagram. If you’ve tried any of those activities, you’ve practised BDSM. However, what distinguishes BDSM from the
wider kink community is a specific focus on power exchange. In power exchange, one partner willingly shares their autonomy with another. But remember, offering power doesn’t mean
Follow Aoife on Instagram: @aoife.murray.life
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