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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Cannatown Lifestyle
"Doomsday" Giant Plumes Found to be Man-made Given the string of global volcanic activ- ity over the past year, villagers near Le ie’s Pass were alarmed to wake up Friday morn- ing to what appeared to be huge volcanic plumes, foretelling
Roger Broke the Sewer Cap ingy WithHis Pogo Stick Onlookers at the scene tell us that local bu oon and loudmouth, Roger, has somehow busted the sewer cap at the corner of 4th and 20th. Despite a lot of shushing from the gathering crowd, Roger swears it wasn’t him, even though he was the one bouncing his pogo stick down the street. e o cer on the scene said that they don’t allow pogo in this part of town for this exact reason, and conscated his pogo. Lifesavers has unveiled a new app-based home delivery service. Lifesav- ers Prime allows sub- scribers to get same-day, door-delivered Life Saver or Fizz-O-Mint candies, sometimes within a mat- ter of hours. “We’ve got a eet of twelve trucks just in Cannatown,” said owner Jess Beijos, “Let’s just say, we’ll be ready for the moment we nally get our rst order." Life Savers Delivery NowOn-Demand
of potential geologi- cal activity or even impending eruption. In a short time, huge smoke columns rose up from an unseen crater, creating an ash cloud that towered over the nearby hills, as big as a skyscraper or even bigger. “It was miles high” said gardener Herbie Mills, who watched the entire ordeal unfold from his porch. “It blocked the very sun from the sky.” e giant skunky plumes reached higher heights than any eruptions ever before cap- tured on satellite, and the gener- ated an unparalleled number of lightning strikes — around 420 — starting in late a ernoon. “We noticed that the strongest plumes were occurring with a frequency of about every twelve hours, just shortly a er 4:20 post- and ante- meridiem,” said Cannatown Spaceport geologist Becky Seeley. “We didn’t even consider the idea that these could be man-made plumes -- they were the biggest we’ve ever seen, even since Woodstock.”
A er analyzing tomes of seis- mographic data, it was deter- mined that the plumes were in- stead originating from a group of four very blazed people camp- ing deep in the Pass. "Given the size -- well, props, " Seeley said. "It was pretty im- pressive for not being a volcano." e cloud could be seen from hundreds of miles away, even by satellite. Authorities estimated that up to 2 tons, or roughly 1.8 million joints’ worth, were be- ing consumed in unison by the group, but they are unsure how. “Perhaps they were using some kind of speedboat-motor-based bong contraption. We’re still trying to gure that one out,” admitted Seeley. “Not only do you have the size of the plume, but even for someone’s lungs to hold it all in rst -- I stand by our original and o cial statement about the incident: Props ."
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