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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown News
CrazyStu&"StareyLarry"TakeOver JoJo's
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In a strange hyperbolic protest that seems to have gone o the rails, insane weirdos have now taken over JoJo's, the reputable French café in Cannatown. Crazy Stu McGuyla and “Starey” Larry Jen- kins, last seen guessing cows’ weights at the Hay Castle Emporium in Steemsville, allegedly showed up late Tuesday evening with im- plements of destruction and a sack full of haddock. It’s unknown how or why the two seized the restaurant, or what can possibly be achieved through the symbolic act. But a statement taped to the front window noted that they were ghting “oppressors and the status quo,” and thus, “taking back the food of the people, to destroy tyranny of the modern establish- ment.” Promising change that would shake the core of the cuisine, the two will likely ruthlessly bastardize JoJo’s signature dishes, such as decorating the Croque Monsieur with American cheese. Jenkins, known felon, has taken over hosting duties, bringing his signature "staredown" for an all-around uncomfortable dining ex- perience. e linen napkins have been replaced by paper towels. e dress code now allows for capes, and denim. “I had to hack at the soué with a screwdriver,” remarked one critic, "and I found a whole Big Mac in the Coq Au Vin." “Is it a revolution? I suppose,” remarked another patron. “Did I expect boxes of wine on the menu? No.” OTHER HEADLINES Canngress agrees to fund Cannatown thru 4:20pm tomorrow City Council: "We're going to Vegas!" pg 150 Pillow ght turns into brawling nap, dozens a'rested pg 157 Pepsi introduces intravenous helium pg 166 Gov't issues war bongs pg 171
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