Vol 9. Edition 2
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Your reputation may never recover, but at least the baby birds you accidentally sat on will. Taurus - Like the Batman, you will learn to personify your biggest fear. But villains will be perplexed by Dying-Lonelyman. Gemini - You would totally listen to that voice in your head more, if it wasn't always yelling in a foreign language. Cancer - Ever since you purchased ne art, you’ve nally felt like an adult. Now to just stop using Sparkle Crest toothpaste. Leo - You’re no foodie snob, but that is some damn expired milk in your fridge. Virgo - Everybody wants to meet you! Or, should we say, bring you in for question- ing.
Libra - Ever since your carnivorous plant ate a mouse, you've seemed to nd it staring at you, eerily abiding the time. Scorpio - As the sound echoes across the canyon and ricochets back you’ll realize it isn’t your voice, but a huge buckeye. Sagittarius - You might as well go ahead and delete your malware protection since you don’t believe in computer viruses. Capricorn - If you hit the brakes now, they might still be able to salvage the road sign. Aquarius - You had a great resignation, but you shouldn't have beefed up your resume with raw hamburger. Pisces - You've begun history’s worst diar- rhea in a dingy gas station commode with no toilet paper. WWIII can come anytime.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Post Oce Upgrades to Used Roller Skates Chad Hawkins at the Post O ce Supplies De- partment is in hot water this week a er going through with an order for approximately 420 used pairs of roller skates for postal workers, despite the overwhelmingly better technology available, like electric unicycles and Segways. "What can we say? We just like to kick it old- school," he claimed on Faux News. "Just ask Scarecrow, our head of security." Hawkins has also been criticized for replac- ing half of the operations' standard sorting machines with industrial-grade wood chip- pers typically used to mulch trees. In addition, every third package is now simply set on re. " ese complaints are all political," Hawkins said. "Just because one person is mad about me shredding their mail and then deliverying it months or even years late to the wrong house, and covered in feces, doesn't mean I'm a ter- rible choice for this job. But haters gonna hate."
e Bergs bid adieu to beloved family pipe, pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Oxford University issues formal apology for insu erable comma........................... E2 Stock manager encourages grocery custom- ers to buy the dip...................................... F6 Stranded group cool with staying put ......... ................................................................ G13 Robot dinosaur becomes mayor.............. H1
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