talking it over with Dr. Clyde M. Narramore
Dr. Narramore, graduate of Columbia University, New York City, is a pschologist and Consultant in Research and Guidance with one of the largest school systems in the United States. BEW ARE : M O T H E R - IN - L A W Question: Can you tell me what is wrong with my daughter-in-law?
might stem from several reasons. One is that it may be my physical appearance. I don’t believe I look too bad but I have some facial acne and my hair never looks very good be cause I just can’t curl it well. Also, I am moderately obese. So I have thought that perhaps I look rather ‘crummy’ to them. Some of the lower class young peo ple seem to like me, but I don’t feel satisfied with their friendship. Per haps the young people don’t like me because I am not silly enough for them. Perhaps I don’t “talk their language”. I haven’t been around young people much, so maybe I just don’t talk interestingly enough to them. Another thing that is bothering me is my inferiority complex. I forgot to mention that perhaps one reason might be that we move around quite a bit. We are never in one place very long. I w ill greatly appreciate your help. Answer: The feelings you are harbor ing about yourself are not different from feelings which others have. They may be stronger, but they are not un like them. All people have these thoughts, to some extent. You are wise to seek help, because no Christian should be burdened with such self-concepts. Life is so short, there is so much to be done, and life can be a happy,meaningful experience. I would like to suggest several things: (1) Read carefully my book, “Young Only Once”. The following chapters deal directly with your prob lem: “That Person Called You,” “A Look At Yourself,” and “God’s Will For Your Life.” (2) Find a confiden tial person, preferably a counselor, a pastor, or pastor’s wife, and set up four or five counseling sessions. Go in to your problems carefully. Look for the causes of your feelings. Discuss them in detail. Then you will find that they begin to disappear. (3) Devote yourself to Christ. Get lost in His love.
also feel insecure and threatened by your continued presence. As a Christian, you should not re sent your daughter-in-law. Rather, you should pray for her. God gives us definite instructions along this line. “Bless those who persecute you — who are cruel in their attitude toward you; bless and do not curse them” (Rom. 12:14). “Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is honest and proper and noble—aiming to be above reproach—in the sight of every one” (Rom. 12:17). “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for (God’s) wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord (Rom. 12:19). Remember that your daughter-in- law’s feelings are real to her. If she could feel differently, she would. So try to understand what has caused her to feel this way. Look carefully into your own life to see if you might be doing little things to prompt her statements. Then pray definitely that God will help her. If you do these things, I am sure you will see a real change in your relationships. W HAT 'S WRONG W ITH ME? Question: / just had to write because I am v e r y discouraged. I am a Christian and I know that I shouldn't be dis couraged, but it seems like I can't help it. My problem is that I don't have any friends. Oh, there are people who would help me if I needed it, but I mean true, close friends. I am nineteen years old and a stu dent in college. It seems like young people my age just don’t take to me. They speak to me, but they just act like I’m not one of them. Some elderly and middle-aged people seem to like me and think I’m wonderful and sweet; but young people don’t. I have tried to figure out why young people don’t like me. I have thought that it
She and my son have been married for years. During this time I have never gone to their home except on special invitation and then only for the duration specified in the invita tion—usually an occasional dinner. In conversation l have always men tioned my own home. I have no de sire to leave it. Frequently my daugh ter-in-law tells me rudely to my face, “now I can never have you in my house.” Since I seldom go on invita tion, where does she get this fixation that I have a desire to live with her? Is my daughter-in-law sick? Answer: You are looking at the black side of the picture. But may I assure you that there is a bright side too. At least you will never make the mis take many elderly people have made, that is, living with relatives who don’t really want them, and yet, who don’t say so out loud. This is a common problem. Nearly every day my mail box is stuffed with letters from Chris tians, especially daughters and daugh ters-in-law, saying, “We love mom, but we wish she were not living with us.” Of course, a “living in” relative can be a great blessing to a family, but so often he isn’t. You ask why your daughter-in-law acts as she does. There are a number of possible reasons, but I could not know definitely unless I had an op portunity to counsel with her in dividually. You ask if she is ill. Naturally, this may be a possibility. She may be severely emotionally dis turbed. On the other hand, she may h a v e serious spiritual problems. Usually, however, people with such attitudes have had rather traumatic experiences with family members. This sometimes causes them to trans fer such feelings to others. She may
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THE KING'S BUSINESS
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