m y w i f e " ts t l k t o m
by JEANNETTE ACREA
Consulting Psychologist and Marriage Counselor
E v e r y t h i n g e l s e and everyone else is more important than I am,” Bob exclaimed angrily as he and his wife, Beth, talked with the counselor about their marital problems. “Why, she won’t even give me fifteen minutes of her precious time so that we can talk together.” “You feel as though you’re on the bottom rung of the totem pole?” asked the counselor. “ Bottom rung! Why I’m not even on it!” he said bit terly. “ But the trouble is,” argued Beth, “ you don’t realize that most of the things I do that take up my time are for both of us. You see,” she said, turning to the coun selor, “ I work all day and then when I come home I have all these things to do. I can’t do everything on Saturday.” This was the first of a series of double sessions in which both parties came to discuss their problems to gether with the counselor. Each had had four sessions previously in private, enabling the counselor to get a good perspective of their marital problems from their indi vidual points of view. As he had listened to each speak of their marriage he had wondered to himself, “Are they talking about the same marriage? Their stories are so different. There must be little or no communication between them.” Thus he had suggested that they might try some double sessions wherein they would direct their con versation to each other rather than the counselor. This would help the counselor gain an understanding of the dynamics of their relationship, help them to gain un derstanding of themselves and each other, as well as learn to communicate. As the couple talked the counselor concentrated on the basic feelings denoted by what was said rather than the complaints per se (for the complaints were forthcoming in the early sessions regardless of the orientation given). He would then interject a comment at propitious points to denote his understanding of the feelings expressed and to help both of them to do so. After several such sessions the couple had learned to listen for feelings and to express their own. Indeed, a very different type of discussion evolved. Thus during the fourth session: “ To me this was just another instance to prove that you really don’t care anything about me,” Beth wept, as she expressed her reaction to her husband’s lack of interest in a talk she delivered before a community group.
“Well,” Bob responded, “ I do care about you, but all I do at work is go to meetings and listen to talks. Then to be dragged to another meeting at night just becomes too much. I’m sorry but I’m just not interested and really hate being forced to go.” The counselor nodded with satisfactiqn. “Now,” he thought, “they are really communicating.” They were now directing their discussion to each other, and concen trating on how certain things reacted on them rather than merely making a series of complaints. As they did this they gained understanding and acceptance of the mate’s feelings. They could then more willingly, often even with enthusiasm, make necessary adjustments to al leviate the problem. Later in a private session with the counselor, Beth said, “ I’m getting a lot out of these double sessions. For instance, I’ve learned how Bob feels about my busy-ness at home and my own hurt feelings because he didn’t help me. This made me withdraw and I actually believe that at times I created unnecessary jobs just to get back at him. These sessions have instigated a sharing of the work which gives us more time for conversing and doing other enjoyable things together.” Bob also gained self understanding. He confided to the counselor, “ I have known for a long time that, as Chris tians, we should have a family altar and that it is my responsibility. My wife has mentioned it a number of times in the past, but there never seemed to be time. Now I realize that it wasn’t lack of time but my own attitude that was standing in the way. I was hurt and angry with her, and this was one way of getting back at her. Then, of course, I didn’t want to admit the way I felt. Now we seldom miss, and as we put Jesus Christ at the center of our home we find it much easier to com municate, to admit our faults to one another, and to forgive. Truly loving Christ makes us love each other much more.” Yes, Bob and Beth had found that seeking help from a Christian trained in the dynamics of interpersonal re lationships enabled them to understand their mate’s feel ings as well as their own, to communicate these feelings, and then to make and carry out plans which made their marriage a sharing experience and a mutual satisfaction of needs. More deeply, Christ-centered counseling made them realize their need for a closer walk with Jesus, to see themselves as sinners, make confession, and be for giving of one another’s faults.
OCTOBER, 1962
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