A n o t h e r p r o b l e m married people face with love is that we don’t seem able to recognize it when it is offered. Since open, heart-on-the- sleeve love is awkward and embarrass- ing to give and accept, we begin to obscure and camouflage our offerings. During the early weeks of mar riage, when the relationship between husband and wife is somewhat arti ficial — or at least romantically dom inated — bold, obvious love usually seems easy to accept. In fact, it is ex pected by the mate. The importance of physical closeness temporarily sup ports the need for total closeness and makes the couple actually imagine that love is easy to give and receive. As time goes on and love begins to have meanings other than physical closeness alone, the inter-persortal re lationship becomes more complex. Those couples, for whom sexual close ness has been relatively easy, often find that expressing love in other ways is difficult. They expect a measure of embarrassment and awkwardness in the sexual relationship, but they are unprepared for the embarrassment they feel when confronted with love expressed other than sexually. As phy sical love becomes less and less able to support their need for total close ness, the weight of their need for closeness rests on love-expressions which they had supposed were the easiest of all to receive. In reality, it is not so much that one form of love is more difficult to accept than another form, as it is that love in any form is difficult to accept. It is what we want, but it is hard to receive. When our partners say with feeling, “ I love you. I’m proud to be married to you,” we feel helpless. What can we say? There is nothing to say, but we say it anyway. We get off the hook by remarks like, “ Don’t be sil ly. You’re just saying that. Or, it the wife prepares a special meal, with her husband’s favorite menu, candlelight and best linen — and he does not know in advance so that his defenses are in place — he may react, or want to react, to his embarrassment over this bold and sud
den confrontation with love, by re- .jecting this love offering, or minimiz ing with sarcasm or humor. He wants to accept this much love, but he can’t stand the helplessness that comes with it, so he defends himself with ra tionalizations. Through the years, this unwilling ness to receive love does something to a marriage. Partners learn to make their love offerings less bold and ob vious. They become more subtle arid obscure until their love is almost impossible to recognize. This relieves embarrassment, but it also removes the possibility of closeness. I am acquainted with a couple of whom this is true. Love offerings had been rejected so well that after one year of marriage they were not able to see through the obscurities and rec ognize love when offered in its clev erly diluted form. The husband was in the service. His wife was counseling with me. As therapy proceeded, she would write 10-page letters to him. He would re ply with brief notes. She wrote of the things she was learning about herself. He wrote of his marksmanship scores and grades. Each complained that the other’s letters were not loving, al though all closed with endearing state ments to each other, which state ments were properly ridiculed and re jected! Love offerings were so well ob scured by this couple that they couldn’t recognize love in these let ters. What were they really saying to each other? The wife was really writing, “ Dear, I know I’m not as good a wife as I want to be. I’m try ing to get help. I want to be better for you. I love you.” The husband was really writing, “ Sweetheart, I am working hard at school so that I will get good grades and be a successful Air Force officer. I want you to be proud of me. I love you.” To avoid confronting love, they had disguised their feelings so well that they couldn’t recognize what the oth er was saying. This is tragically com mon. The only way love is ever re ceived is with helpless embarrass ment. Is that too high a price to pay?
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