Page 10
Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown News
TWO PARTY CONVENTIONS
e Indicrats & Rip Van Dankle - Following a disastrous debate performance in which the candidate believed himself to be in his bathtub, incumbent Rip Van Dankle has been on shaky
It’s political convention season in CannaTown, and the chodes have come to roost! Just as in old times, the two major competing political parties in the town, Indicrats and Sativaclans, will vie for the
position of Head Gardener in the
ground with the electorate. Flash forward to the convention this week, when it was discovered that Van Dankle had smaked far too much. Attendees are desperately attempting to revive their couchlocked candidate, who, reports claim, has been near-coma- tose for weeks.
CannaTown public elds.
e prospective victor will work together with City Council and Mayor 's Oce to help the town prosper through increased yields and ecient bud distribution. “People have never needed to smake so bad,”
Above: Speakers have been relentlessly yelling into the micro- phone, hoping to wake the candidate. Below: Van Dankle sleeps.
the Mayor remarked during a press confer- ence. “It’s imperative we pick the right person.” However, this year presents a puzzle of an election, given the two parties are working with the most historically-controversial picks they have ever put forward. Let's look at the conventions going on and the upward battles both candidates, and their supporters, face.
He responds to jabs with dull, lifeless eyes that seem to infer something is going on inside, but only on a level just above braindead. e convention agenda has shi ed from policy, to merely trying to wake the candidate, who has been moved to a bed from the couch. He was high, and then got higher, woke up momentarily, and then was passed, like, a huge steamroller with ounce-wide bowl, and he went absolutely sideways. For a while he was just half-eyed. But every snore was a reminder that he was higher than the strato- sphere and sleeping just as deep. A steady stream of speakers has been shout- ing at Van Dankle from the stage for several hours. Attendees have tried to revive him with a dancing monkey, and also threw him o the roof in a lawn chair. Electroshock has not been ruled out. Some are considering a Weekend from Bernies ruse, or some type of Being John Malkovich puppetry, in order to get past election day. But critics warn it’s too little too
Made with FlippingBook Learn more on our blog