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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
Cannatown Lifestyle
It's been a pleasure to serve you but I f****** quit.
Your Server, Edna
You know what? You were such a great bunch of people. Hope that little piece of birthday pie I sent over did ya well? You en- joyed the ice cream? My favorite too. Well, bless y’all, have a ne a ernoon. Here’s the bill. It’s been a pleasure to serve you today sugar, but by heavens to Betsy, I f***ing quit. Do you want to know what I got from the last table as a tip? Two dollars and gigantic, stinking dirty diaper, all piled together under spaghetti. You know what I got before that? Loose change soaked in beer. Another group sweat so much at the table that the mere humidity hangin’ around made my hair frizz up like a hurricane ! You think four bucks an hour is going to make up for that? Four bucks, when I could be makin’ a good mint sittin' outside at a garage sale sellin’ all the junk me n’ Zeus have hauled around for our whole lives! Sure I’d have to deal with all the damn ies, but at least they don’t scream for co ee and spill it all over the booth. Heck I’d probably make it farther at a lemonade stand, if that was still a thing ‘round these parts. Least I'd make manager! Dangnabbit, I hate this crap so guldurn much. I can feel it in just about every joint. Well, that and the arthritis. Can you imagine having to run around the corner y times a day with this old hip? It’s amazin’ I’m still standin’ here before you, I swear, if it weren’t for these dang comfortable velcro shoes,
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t’wouldn’t be any way for me to grab ten slices of di erent pies from opposite ends of the bar. Who sets up pie cases at a diner like that? Lou! Talkin’ to you, numbnutz ! No more mashed potatoes piled all over the oor, no more wackos ingin’ their cod sh bones at me, no more slingin’ hashbrowns for earth’s most unwashed, unattentive bunch of grease-wads this side of the Atlantic, all here on my ippin’ bar stools even before the roost- ers start to crow! Sometimes I thought it was a test, when my ngers got spat- tered with hot grease, and giant rats hissed at me in the supply basement, or when the toilet clogged two minutes a er I be- gan a shi and a busload of angry tourists covered in bee-strings poured into this tiny diner only to destroy the bathroom entirely while they all only ordered Cokes and le a negative 15-cent tip (that's right, they took money out of the 'Leave a Penny' dish)', I thought maybe this is a test from the universe. But the real test was not quittin' this whole durn time! You can take your dang nickels, dimes and diapers, shug, I quit!
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