Vol 11. Edition 4
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - You’re pretty amazed at all these people thowing you their numbers until you realize they are all clinical psychologists. Taurus - It may be an old bath robe, but if it helps you ght like a Jedi in the park then so be it. Gemini - is week’s sudden lack of awk- ward confrontation in your life will make you feel surprisingly uncomfortable. Cancer - With the vasectomy in less than an hour, you’d better smake this whole ounce. Just incase the rst ounce doesn’t cover it. Leo - Everything you’re wearing matches today, everything but your face. Virgo - e only excuse you have for smak- ing brickweed was, you were so high that you tried smaking a brick, and it turned out to be weed.
Libra - You’ll marvel again how this restau- rant looks exactly like your house until you look down and realize, woah, you’re at home. Scorpio - We’re having trouble accessing your fortune right now. But if you hit reply, and write us a message, we’ll get back to you. Sagittarius - ere is absolutely nothing you can say to take back that clarinet solo. Capricorn - You are the master of your destiny. You may choose mac and cheese or turkey with potato. Aquarius - Your bowels will con rm what your math could not: that all those pints did in fact add up to one gallon of ice cream. Pisces - Your announcement that all citizens are now part of your living art installation will earn you a well-deserved punch-in-face.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Ozempic Sharts Coming to CannaTown Essentially "Fight Milk in a pill," Ozempic us- ers are embracing the sudden and earth-shat- tering sharts that rst began with early adapt- ers of the weight-loss drug, now evolving into a local cultural phenomenon. Cue "We are the Sharters," recorded by an enthusiastic group of diarrhetic dieters, "I love to Shart," shirts, ac- tivity groups and night clubs, as well as spon- sorship for a local tiny tots soccer league, the Lil' Sharters; the quickly uid movement is eclipsing a number of other traditional events like the annual CannaTown marathon. Shar- ters will be hosting a competing event at the same time as the fundraising race, but swear it is only coincidence. "We're inviting every- one out to White Castle not only to embrace the soggy wet garbage on a bun that holds our community together, but to celebrate that our bodies know better than to try and digest it solidly," said event organizer Karen Kween. "We'll have y porta-potties, standing by."
New table-to-farm diner rather lthy, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
What happens if you don't report the donkey that fell over on your front steps? ............. E6 Raw-dogging ights latest trend in showing o severe sociopathy ................................. F2 Coroner: Deceased ate Reese's wrong way ..... .................................................. ........ ...... G13 61 synonyms for “crescent”........................ H1
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