Have a Very Punny New Year Jokes to Ring in 2020
“Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.”
As we ring in the new year, many people are talking about their resolutions, but I’d like to celebrate with puns. You could call it a resolution, but really, it’s my Irish heritage cropping up, as we’re best known for our wit, politics, and writing! They say puns are the lowest form of humor — well, thank God I am a man of low and common taste! To start the new year, here are a few that will make you chuckle or groan, courtesy of my family and friends. 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
11. Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,“You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.”
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,“Dam!”
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,“I’ve lost my electron.”The other says,“Are you sure?”The first replies,“Yes, I’mpositive.” 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal was to transcend dental medication. 26. There was a person who sent 10 puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns wouldmake them laugh. No pun in 10 did. I hope you can put these aside and begin your year on a happy note. Remember that January is a good time to review your estate plan and beneficiary designations. If you need an update, I’mhere to help. Just call the office for an appointment. Have a happy new year everyone!
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
15. The fortuneteller with dwarfismwho escaped fromprison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survivedmustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
5. Nomatter howmuch you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
18. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
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19. When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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