King's Business - 1966-03

T A L K IN O with Dr. Clyde ï

Dr. Narramore, graduate of Columbia University, New York City, is a nationally known psychologist. He is the director of one of America's

largest psychelegical clinics— The Christian Counseling center in Pasadena, California.

your husband’s father was a quiet man who did his work, brought in the pay check, ate his meals and read a little, but did very little talk­ ing. It may be true that in your mar­ riage his silence could mean that he’s not very happy. If so, this man needs professional help. He should see a pastor, counselor, psychologist, or someone with whom he could in­ formally talk this through. There are many men who feel that silence is a real virtue, and rather than bring up a problem, it’s best to keep still. Some men find it difficult to talk because every time they do their wives put them in their place. It’s amazing how a woman can become very nagging and critical and never know she is that way at all. I would like to give you a tech­ nique used by psychiatrists and psy­ chologists in their reflective coun­ seling. It works something like this: When your husband makes a state­ ment, instead of your answering him or telling him what to do, ask him to tell you more. You might say, “ Well, Jim, is this what you mean?” Then, of course, he opens the door and gets into another room of con­ versation and talks a little. Then you might ask another question, “ Is this the way you look at it, Jim?” Instead of answering him all the time, just reflect on what he has said. You will find that he will begin to talk a great deal more. This method works well with anyone. I would suggest you read the pre­ cious portions of Scripture written for the comfort and enrichment of the believer such as the 37th Psalm. Much encouragement can be derived from our great hymns and gospel songs, as well as poetry. Many book­ lets are written to help a believer in overcoming discouragement.

source of your trouble is discovered, it may be possible to involve your husband in counseling sessions also and a new, satisfying relationship established. The Lord Himself is ready and anxious to help you over­ come an “ inordinate affection” and find real joy in life. Q. Can you tell me how I can draw out my husband and establish bet­ ter communication with him? Al­ though we get along quite well and seldom quarrel, I do not feel we have the close relationship we should. When we are alone together, he makes no attempt to talk. When we are traveling in the car, often he w ill drive for miles and never say a word. I think we have a good foundation to work on, but l need help in resolv­ ing this problem. Sometimes 1 suffer depression. A. I think your letter speaks elo­ quently for itself. Undoubtedly there are thousands of husbands who are interested in what you have said be­ cause they themselves are not very talkative. Lack of communication is unquestionably one of the biggest problems in marriage. If a man and his wife can talk freely over a prob­ lem, they can usually overcome it. When there is no speech, no way of finding out how a person feels, there is no way of getting at the roots of the problem. Men, let’s start talking ! Encourage your wife to talk! Even though there’s not much to say, say it anyway. There are several reasons why men find it difficult to talk. One is that men, generally, are not as verbal as women. Secondly, many men have been reared in environments where there wasn’t much talking. Perhaps COMMUN ICAT ION WITH HUSBAND

FALLING IN LOVE Q. Could you please teU me what to do? I have been married 16 years and have r ea r ed three children. A fter 16 years, what could you do about it if you were falling in love with another man? A. I don’t think you are in love with another man as much as you may be trying to escape your present situa­ tion. There are many marriages which have been very bad from the b e g i n n i n g — which are poorly matched. I would suggest that you see a pastor, a minister’s wife, or a professional psychologist with whom you can talk this problem through. Very often when a woman thinks she is falling in love with another man, it is not the love of a specific person, but an attempt to compen­ sate for a real need in her life. In my book, “ A Woman’s World,” I discussed this in detail, giving eight or ten basic reasons why a woman may think that she is not in love with her husband. One of these reasons may be that you do not understand your husband. If you could be helped to understand why he is acting the way he is, it would be much easier for you to live with him. Your husband’s feelings are just as real to him as yours are to you. You may find yourself in a plight with which you cannot cope, but changing husbands is not the solution. Your solution may have two as­ pects: (1) come to an understanding of yourself and why you feel as you do, and (2) establish a close personal relationship wi t h God, t h r o u g h Christ, in order that you might have the resourcefulness of true Christian love. After you have talked over your problem with a counselor and the



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