Vol 11. Edition 3
News from CannaTown
Page 7
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Your spouse wasn’t into the Rohirrim mating dance, but maybe your imaginary mistress will be. Taurus - And now, tragic news: your job can be done by an early generation Tamagotchi. Gemini - It turns out you can’t le a cus- tomer service complaint about an old lady stealing your go-kart at the mud pit. Cancer - In the soup du jour of life, you are a puerile, monotonous consommé. Leo - You should never have agreed to sit in front of this esoteric panel of ashing lights and gauges, much less, boarded this random ight. Virgo - You had a hunch you were playing Russian Roulette with your toilet, but you never expected it to shoot at you.
Libra - Turtlenecks are back in! However, you, in a turtleneck, is still totally out. Scorpio - Your grandma will never forgive you for painting the house orange, but she’s coming around to her orange corgie. Sagittarius - Welp, you shouldn't have entangled those quantum particles. Capricorn - Collecting the allen wrenches from your Wayfair furniture does not qualify you as a handyman. Aquarius - e elderberries gave you some sweet mystical Irish powers, but it turns out you still can’t get Blarney-stoned. Pisces - e strewn booze bottles, the linge- rie piles, moldy breakfast spattered on the walls--it’s almost like you’ve never led your taxes before.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
New Currencies Potentially Accepted in Town Although the conventional dollar has fallen, the following items of note may or may not be accepted as currency in some parts of town: popcorn bags, half-eaten cotton candy, jug- gling balls, torn clown shoes, de ated but intact balloons, shredded ticket stubs, melted ice cream cones, crumpled face paint containers, smashed peanuts, animal bedding shavings, empty soda cans, used makeup wipes, a bent hula hoop, snapped trapeze wires, costume sequins, ripped circus programs, stray costume feathers, broken stilts, pieces of clown wigs, old streamers, hot dogs, pieces of sawdust- covered confetti, any discarded ringmaster’s hats or old lion tamer’s whips, overused duct tape, squeaky rubber chickens, plastic animal gurines, unbroken unicycle wheels, used sparklers, cracked funhouse mirrors from any funhouse, caramel apple sticks, ripped acrobat’s netting, empty face paint tubes, broken fairy lights, dusty tambourines, elephant peanuts, feathers or scraps of costume fabric, and stakes.
Our new overlords demand pellets & pets, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections e public has never been so against the exis- tence of vanilla extract ................................ E6 Free pile of meat leads to big problems locally ................................................................... F2 Old man dies from young age in shocker...... F7 Black market turns midnight blue ........... G13
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