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Dispatches from the Highlands
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CannaTown News
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CITY COMPTROLLER: NEXT ROUND OF TAX BILLS MAY HAVE POOP ON THEM City Hall has issued an non-routine public notice, warning residents about potential contamination of property tax docu- ments following the recent invasion of circus performers and animals displaced by the Great Calamity Circus re. O cials report that monkeys have overrun the ling rooms, leaving documents smeared with glitter, banana peels, and, in all cases, feces. Clowns have also tampered with notices, scrib- bling balloon animals and “clown math” adjustments onto o cial tax rates. But o cials say the fecal matter is the worst. “It’s an unprecedented situation,” said interim City Clerk Linda Marlow, who is coordinating operations from a tem- porary o ce in the public library basement. “We’re issuing replacements as fast as we can, but the monkeys are territorial, and the clowns have covered everything in whipped cream.” Residents are urged to inspect their tax forms carefully and bring any soiled documents to the temporary o ce for new copies that may or may also be covered in urine and poo. Local taxpayers are sour. “I knew my property bill was gon- na be crappy this year,” complained local miser Tim Litscher. “But I sure didn’t think it’d come wrapped in fresh dookie.” OTHER HEADLINES Oracle con rms time as we know is now moving backward “ at's it! We hit a wall. Hard pivot, the opposite way.” pg 150 Bald Cat o cially declared CannaTown city feline pg 157 CRISPR machine accidentally burns DNA pg 166 Musk starts GOP ght club pg 171 **Brought to you by Beets, e Vegetable* “Get'em while they're still a thing”
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