cancer, another whose sibling died in 9/11; three more whose sons died by suicide. A brilliant friend had a bad bicycle accident when she was 30, a stroke the next day, altering the course of her life forever. I know of a young family of boys who lost their mother on a September afternoon. The mother, who had been walking her dog while her winter tires were being installed, was killed by a driver whose van mounted the sidewalk. The mother had intended to be home when school got out when her three young boys returned.
We all know these stories. The fates can swoop in at any time.
But for most of us, mid-life is the juncture when the ground begins to shift. Between the ages of 49 and 56, I mourned my son’s departure, weathered menopause, fell under the dark spell of a suicidal depression, took a high-profile job in a French-speaking city and developed a serious alcohol addiction, wrestling my way to the other side—only to be hijacked by grief. I am not unusual. For so many of us, mid- life delivers a major reckoning. In a heartbeat, the landscape shifts. Just when we least expect it—in our 50s or 60s—a sturdy, well-shaped life comes to an end, opening the portal for what? Who expected this? Adolescence, yes. Motherhood, yes. Menopause, yes. But a wallop to the solar plexus? I didn’t see it coming. And so tonight, I find myself at the far end of the dock, focused on the horizon, waiting for a blue heron, measuring the depth and breadth of my solitude, haunted by ghosts. Fingering for the first time a question for the ages: what comes next?
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Ann Dowsett Johnston is the bestselling author of Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol, and the driving force behind Writing Your Recovery and Writing Your Discovery , two popular memoir-writing courses .She is working on her first book of fiction. Click HERE
HOLA SOBER | MADRID
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