we should steer our lives. Whenever two or more persons living side by side differ over a point, some kind of agreement must be reached, or there is a parting of the ways and each is the loser for it. Carl walked into my office and slumped into a chair, a dejected soul. He was a success finan cially. But after 22 years of marriage, he was ready to quit, thoroughly disgusted with his wife. He had given up hunting and fishing because she did not like him doing them. They had no social life because she did not like to go out. They never fought. They just did not talk, but the silence was driving him mad. He wanted to go out, but felt guilty if he did. Rhea, his wife, shared his attitude. She was a very bitter woman and looked it. “ I can hardly stand the sight of him,” she said. “We have nothing to talk about. We used to visit friends, but he didn’t like the way I talked to them. He didn’t say much, just gave me that withering look. So I quit talking. What’s the use o f just sit ting? I quit going out. I don’t like fishing and hunt ing. I don’t care if he goes, but he thinks I don’t want him to go, I guess. He’s never asked me how I feel.” These two people, intelligent, polished and suc cessful separately, are like the two girls playing a duet. When they sensed discord, each quit rather than work it out. Their marriage slowly ground to a halt. They were strangers to each other, isolated mentally and separated by an invisible but real barrier o f resentment. Now, however, they are on a friendly basis af ter having started to build a bridge of communi cation between them. It has enabled them to define their differences and work out mutually agreeable solutions rather than turning away from each oth er when signs of discord appear. Each had been sure that to be honest with the other about feelings and opinions would blow the marriage sky-high. Instead, each found that repentance before God and drawing on His love gave them the grace necessary to begin building a mutual life. This couple, too, illustrates the tendency to turn “ every one to his own way.” We tend to grow apart more naturally than toward an open, honest sharing of viewpoints, attitudes and feelings. Judge John Warren Hill of New York Domestic Relations Court recently reported on 250,000 ca^es o f marital failure that have come before the court. His experience leads him to the conclusion that “bottled up resentments constitute one o f the great est dangers to marriage.” His formula? Talk it out. He says that frank talk will do nothing but good, even though your initial response may be shock and wounded pride. He does make an important qualification — the marriage must be based on a firm foundation o f love and unselfishness.
Hugo A. Bourdeau, a Baltimore marriage coun selor, is convinced that the inability of husbands and wives to talk to each other is our “No. 1” marriage problem. He says the inability to con verse shows up in 85 o f every 100 couples visiting marriage counselors. Bourdeau points out that, during courtship, couples spend hours together sharing attitudes and planning for the future. But he would agree that in some o f the homes they set up, the wife’s easy conversation freezes into a mystifying silence and the husband’s tender murmuring o f courtship days develop the full lung- power o f near raving. A happy marriage is not possible without com munication which reveals, with reasonable certain ty, how the other feels about a given action or situation. Bourdeau says: “Without communication, there can be no adjustment at all. Ability to converse on any subject, to air any problem which might arise, to share with the other the private fears and wor ries and desires is the bedrock of marriage. And it isn’t always verbal. Attitudes are expressed by a smile, a frown, a shrug of the shoulders. These are powerful. We sense disapproval even though the spoken words are reassuring.” He goes on to point out that communication ceases when the need to conceal becomes stronger than the desire for unity. There is the husband who cannot speak o f his financial worries, so he hides his insecurity behind what he calls a “manly” silence. The wife conceals her spur-of-the-moment purchase and keeps to herself the concern that her husband no longer finds her to be attractive. Slow ly, couples who once were excellent companions learn to rope off areas of their lives and live in a kind of marital no man’s land. Conversation de clines to “ truce” subjects. But Dr. James H. S. Bossard, a noted sociolo gist, discovered that talking, alone, may go no where. By using tape recorders, he obtained sam ples o f dinner conversations of Philadelphia fam ilies. His conclusion? The way parents talk to their children and to each other in front o f their chil dren is a problem o f great seriousness in family life. He discovered that family conversations follow certain patterns. The pattern o f criticism was one of the most prevalent o f those recorded. The nega tive atmosphere it created made the children anti social and unpopular. In another, hostilities were turned inward, with quarreling the result. More subtly harmful were the exhibitionists, with each member of the family forever battling for the lime light. Does anyone have good conversational habits? Yes, reported Bossard. He calls the right way the interpretive pattern. Here, persons and events are discussed calmly, with perspective and dignity, and when appropriate, with humor. Children are en-
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THE KING'S BUSINESS
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