couraged to take part and are treated with respect. Understanding and a wide range o f interests are the characteristics o f such a family. The judge speaks of bottled-up resentments, a refusal to communicate. Bourdeau warns of the natural tendency for communication to break down as a married couple envolves slowly into self-pro tection rather than mutual helpfulness. Bossard points out that family conversation tends to drift in critical, self-seeking directions. What are the solutions these men propose to mend the broken lines of communication between husbands and among members of a family? Reveal yourself, they say; know, don’t guess at what the other fellow is trying to say. Become aware of what you are doing. Consciously take steps to correct any faults. Fall back on “ safe” topics as a retreat. It is our observation that the Christian who brings his marriage problems to a counselor pre sents exactly the same kind of problems as these
is so aptly described by Bourdeau, is summed up in two sentences by the Lord Jesus Christ. Bour deau presents nothing new—simply restates the pronouncement Jesus made to Nicodemus many years ago. Again, the tendency for human relations to break down is described by Isaiah when he says, “we have turned every one to his own way” . True, we have a strong desire for fellowship, but the human heart with its deceitfulness drives us apart, making our own way a stronger attraction than a mutual way. In 1959, there was one divorce for about every three marriages in the United States. Sociologists say these figures do not present the entire picture of marital strain because there are untold mar riages which are only “psychologically broken.” They mean that such couples maintain a residence under the same roof, but man and wife are not able to come to agreement on a mutual way of life and each goes his separate way at the points where they cannot agree. The high ratio o f divorce to marriage illustrates the power of the desire to turn every one to his own way. Suppose you do communicate your true feel ings, attitudes, desires? Communication, itself, will not necessarily produce unity. The desire for unity must be present. You may clarify your desires to your husband in order to get your own way. Your objective is to advance your own selfish ends, not to achieve unity. Or, as a husband, you may be firmly set against your wife’s idea. Communication, then, simply clarifies the issue. It does not provide a mutual solution. Undergirding this process of communication, as Judge Hill points out, must be a firm foundation o f love and unselfishness. What of the tendency to become negative in our conversation? Bossard suggests that we heed the advice of a great teacher. He writes: “A long time ago a great teacher pointed out that what comes out of the mouth is a great deal more important than what goes into it.” This great teacher, of course, is Jesus, whom we, too, recognize for His teachings. But we go farther and acknowledge Him as our Saviour, the One who died for our sins that we might be able to walk in the newness of life. The statement Jesus made is in Matthew 15:11: “Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.” He gives further explanation in verses 18 and 19: “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false wit ness, blasphemies.” What is it, then, that is behind the negative conversation around the dinner table, the tendency
men describe. This again points to the conclusion that all men are grappling with the same problems and describe them essentially the same way. The Christian answer, however, plumbs far deeper than conduct and a concerted effort to get along. It goes to the very nature of man. Let us look just a little further at the elements that cause our communication to break down. There is the tendency to hide. Jesus said : “ This is the condemnation, the light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved” (John 3:19, 20). Is it not true that we seek to protect ourselves from disapproval, that we hesitate to reveal our own selfish desires and tend to conceal our nega tive feelings? Yes, the tendency to conceal that
SEPTEMBER, 1966
23
Made with FlippingBook flipbook maker