King's Business - 1966-09

TALKING IT OYER with Dr. Clyde M. Narramore

POSSESSIVE JEALOUSY Q. I have a problem which may sound very small, but it is very big to me. My husband is good to our little three-month-old girl and me. We have a wonderful Christian mar­ riage, and we love each other dearly. He is a big help with our baby and takes an active role in caring for her. My problem is that he is ex­ tremely possessive o f the baby and me. Whenever I suggest going over to my parents’ home, which is very seldom, he says, “Fine, only let’s get Jinny to sleep first.’’ This is so no one can pick her up when we get there. One evening when I was put­ ting her to bed in my parents’ bed­ room, my mother came in and just talked to me for about 15 minutes. As soon as I came out o f the bed­ room, my husband was very angry. He got up and said, “I ’m leaving. Are you coming along?” Whenever Mom picks up the baby, he walks out o f the room because he says he just can’t stand to see her hold the baby. He will never allow me to leave Jinny with anyone. I dearly love our little girl, but once in a while I would like to go out with my husband alone and leave the baby with my parents or one of my sisters. He never wants me to leave the house, even to go to the store. Do you have any sug­ gestions? A. Extreme possessiveness such as you describe is' a form of emotional disturbance. His feelings are real to him, and his actions seem natural and right in his own eyes. If he were able to sit down with a Chris­ tian counselor and go into this in detail, considering experiences in his childhood which undoubtedly have contributed to this, he would begin to understand the causes. This is a problem that needs to be faced and overcome. If your husband was very insecure as a child, or had some traumatic experience such as a father or moth­ er’s leaving the family, he may be reacting to this with a desire to hold on to you and his child. He will need to be carefully led to see his need and then seek out a minister or Christian counselor for help. He may need to be led to a closer walk with the Lord so he may

Dr. Narramore, graduate ef Columbia University, New York City, is a nationally known psychologist. He is the director ef one ef America's

largest psychological clinics— The Christian Counseling center in Pasadena, Cal’iernia.

understand that our security is not in things or in people, but in Christ. When he sees that a good wife and a lovely child are gifts from God, and that we can trust Him to care for them and keep them, he will be less possessive and more willing to share the joys with parents and family. A minister said not long ago, “ Too many people are interested in real estate.” By this statement he meant that many of us are thinking too much about our possessions—houses, land, bank accounts, and even our own families—and not enough about our eternal dwelling place, Heaven. As your husband turns to the Lord and establishes a better vertical re­ lationship with the Lord, his hori­ zontal relationship with people and “ things” will take on a balanced per­ spective. I believe if you pray specifically for him and explain this in a very kind way, the Lord will help you to face this problem and open a door for him to talk it over with a Chris­ tian counselor. Again may I stress that this difficulty will not cure it­ self, but must be faced honestly and squarely if it is to be resolved. Q. There is a quirk in my person­ ality that troubles me. When some aspect of my Christian life seems like obligation or a chore, the joy departs. I f this continues, I find my­ self in spiritual rebellion against God. Personally, I feel much better when I ’m not obligated in any way to any institutional program. I want to just live my life freely, and as God directs, showing generosity to those I encounter in daily life. May I please have your comments? A. I can appreciate your feelings. There are some ministers who are not happy unless they have every­ REBELLION OR OVERORGAN IZATION ?

body in the church “ doing” some­ thing. Your minister may be a com­ pulsive person who believes this is the way to keep people happy. Action is all right for some people, but for others it causes resistance and re­ bellion. It may be that your church is not very spiritual. A highly organized church may lack spiritual power. There is nothing wrong with organi­ zation itself, but when it squeezes out the Holy Spirit so that He doesn’t have much opportunity to work spontaneously, it is a hin­ drance. A church needs balance. If a church is small, a few people are apt to be overworked. If a church is large, people may not be partici­ pating the way they should. The needs of people vary. Some need to be much busier than they are in the Lord’s work. Others are already too busy. God has a plan for His chil­ dren. We need to earnestly seek His will as to where we fit into His pro­ gram, then dedicate ourselves to the task. It is possible, too, that you are reacting against experiences in your childhood. Some youngsters who are told everything to do when they are little and are guarded in every thought and action grow up to hate authority figures, and organ ized schedules. It may be that this high­ ly-organized church which you are attending is an unconscious remind­ er of your uncomfortable childhood. Perhaps your parents or others were after you constantly to do certain things. Fear of pun ishment may have kept you obedient to their wishes, but inwardly you rebelled at the pressures placed upon you. Now that you are grown, your desire is freedom to act on your own rather than being subservient to others. If you were to have several heart-to- heart talks with a counselor or a trusted friend, you would get needed relief.

THE KING'S BUSINESS

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