CAREGIVING When Families Disagree About Caring for an Older Loved One Submitted by Catherine Tornbom, Chair, Board of Directors, of the Center for Community Mediation and Facilitation (CCMF) Few conversations are harder than the ones families have about how to care for an aging parent or relative. Siblings who agreed on almost everything growing up can suddenly find themselves at odds over whether Mom should still be driving, whether Dad needs more help at home, or who is carrying the greater share of caregiving.
When families reach these difficult moments, a few principles can help. Keep the older adult at the center. Whenever possible, the person whose life is being discussed should have a meaningful voice in the decisions. It can be easy for concerned family members to begin talking about an older adult rather than with them. Respecting their wishes, choices, and autonomy helps preserve dignity, even when others would make a different choice. Hold safety and independence together. Families often treat these as competing goals, with one person advocating for more protection and another for more freedom. Instead, ask: What are we worried might happen? What matters most to our loved one? What options could reduce the risk while preserving as much independence as possible? Talk about fairness. Caregiving responsibilities are rarely divided equally. Geography, work, finances, health, and family relationships all affect what each person can contribute. Love does not prevent resentment, especially when one person feels that the responsibility has fallen disproportionately on them. Naming the imbalance without blaming one another creates room for more honest problem solving. How families talk is just as important as what they decide. Slow the conversation down. Listen to understand rather than preparing your response. Before disagreeing, try reflecting back what you heard. Ask questions about the concerns underneath someone’s position. “Dad needs to stop driving” may actually mean, “I’m afraid he’ll get
hurt.” Understanding the concern creates more possibilities for solutions. It also helps to name what you share. Even families who strongly disagree usually want their loved one to be safe, respected, comfortable, and able to live with dignity. That common ground can shift the conversation from “Who is right?” to “How can we work on this together?” Sometimes families become too stuck to have these conversations on their own. A trained, neutral mediator does not decide who is right or tell a family what to do. Instead, mediation creates a respectful space where people can clarify what matters to them, hear one another more fully, and make their own decisions about a way forward. Caring for an older loved one asks a great deal of everyone involved. Curiosity, respect, and a willingness to listen can help families move through difficult decisions while preserving the relationships that matter most. ◆ Catherine Tornbom is Chair, Board of Directors, of the Center for Community Mediation and Facilitation (CCMF), which has served Pima County and Southern Arizona for over 40 years. CCMF provides mediation, facilitated dialogue, and training to help individuals, families, organizations, and communities navigate conflict constructively. She will present Elder Care Mediation: Supporting Families Through Difficult Conversations for PCOA’s Family Caregiver Support Group on November 5.
Disagreement does not necessarily mean something has gone wrong. More often, people who care deeply about one another are seeing the same situation through different eyes. Love and resentment can exist side by side in caregiving. One person may be worried about safety. Another may be trying to protect a parent’s independence. Someone else may be exhausted from providing most of the day-to-day care, or carrying feelings shaped by family relationships that go back many years.
Page 14 | November & December 2026, Never Too Late
Pima Council on Aging
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