A Bit of Give and Take
Preparing for Your Divorce Mediation
Never a Dull Moment Why We Should Live for Today
The vast majority of divorcing spouses will benefit from mediation. The process is typically less emotional, stressful, and contentious than a trial in front of a judge. And most couples are also glad to hear that it’s usually much less expensive. But what exactly is mediation — and what do you need to know before heading into one? The goal of mediation is for two spouses to negotiate and mutually agree on the division of assets and timesharing. An experienced attorney will help their client prepare a list of objectives and possibly even a draft settlement in advance. Typically, the spouses and their attorneys sit in different rooms, and the mediator goes back and forth to hear each side and discuss the issues. Anyone headed into mediation should prepare for a long, intense day. Mediation takes hours and sometimes lasts multiple days if the issues are significantly complex. Try bringing a book, music, or something else that will occupy you during downtime and help you de-stress after an emotional exchange. It’s important to know that mediation is not arbitration, and a mediator cannot make decisions on your or your spouse’s behalf. They facilitate a constructive conversation and help both sides work toward a compromise. But while the mediator is a neutral party who shouldn’t pick sides, the process can still be uncomfortable. People commonly feel like the mediator is advocating on their spouse’s behalf. But it is the mediator’s job to play devil’s advocate, question your arguments, and help you see each other’s points of view. Remain levelheaded and don’t take their comments personally. While it might be uncomfortable, it’s just as crucial to keep an open mind. There’s little reason to proceed with mediation if both sides arrive dead set on their positions. Remember that this is someone you once loved and with whom you may have brought new life into this world. Be generous enough to hear them out and genuinely consider their arguments. Finally, while mediation is successful for most couples, anyone undergoing the process needs to be prepared to walk away. The ultimate goal is to come to a resolution — but if your ex is being unreasonable or uncooperative, an agreement is not worth sacrificing your future security. We’ll give you our honest assessment of whether continued mediation may be fruitful — and if it’s not, we’ll go to court together.
We can’t change the past, nor can we predict or guarantee the future. In the end, all we have is the present, yet most of us live our lives ignoring its many possibilities.
It’s easy to tune out the life around you, especially if you do many of the same things every day. Taking care of the kids, commuting, working, and running errands can blur together. Just as bad, when life isn’t going the way we want, it’s easy to fantasize about how things “should” be or how they once were. When we live busy or stressful lives, worrying or planning can also make us feel more in control. The problem with these strategies is that they don’t change anything. They help us discount the only thing we can control: what we do now. Life can pass you by that way if you’re not careful. The solution is to exist in the present moment as much as possible and enjoy the good things around us while we have them. Studies show that living this way makes people happier, healthier, and more likely to form strong relationships. But how do you even get started? The process requires a different way of thinking called mindfulness. Mindfulness is about focusing on what is happening in the present moment — not that work deadline, the movie you just watched, what’s for dinner, or the kids’ extracurricular schedule. It takes practice, and many people use meditation or breathing to help. When mindful, we concentrate on what others say and become more fully present. We also start to notice the small things we usually overlook: the cool breeze on our skin, the sound of the birds, the feel of a sweater, or the sight of our loved ones smiling. Our lives become fuller. And our stress decreases because we’re not clinging to things beyond our command. No one ever stops worrying entirely, and some planning is necessary to live a successful life. But too much can leave us with no energy or time to enjoy it. John Lennon once sang, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Start living in the present so you don’t blink and miss yours.
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