slouch, but no orphan — chanting, “Never gonna be president now” enough times and recalls that terrifying way he flung all those papers in Hamilton’s face, he will, for the love of god, get out of the city and go upstate to his wife’s goddamn lake! Or better yet, don’t even have a wife. You see, watching Hamilton did more than prompt me to spend most of my waking hours doing Google image searches of Phillip Hamilton (HOT) or skimming Wikipedia entries about how the Schuyler sisters’ dad owned slaves in upstate New York (WHAT?) and that John Laurens and Hamilton might “HON,” I SAID, “MOSTDISPUTES DIE ANDNOONE SHOOTS.” have been in love (YES!).The show is an object lesson in why you can’t just orphan your child and expect him to acquire ALL the grit and wherewithal he needs to not ruin his chance at the presidency. Or, you know, whatever career he chooses. You need to make sure, before you go, that nothing’s going to get in his way! The reason we’re waiting a year to do this whole orphaning thing is not only to replicate the exact age at which Hamilton was on his own (12), thereby ensuring he is mature enough to handle the crushing blow of our absence, but also emotionally devastated enough for it to affect, change, and drive him forevermore, but also to make sure his brother is in college. That way, he’ll never sacrifice his happiness for Trevor’s, like Angelica did for Eliza. That way, he can stop being the helpless little idiot I created and become the kind of man Alexander Hamilton was, and MORE. That way I can stop worrying that his mediocrity is my fault. That way, he can be president. And that way, I can afford to see Hamilton at least one more time, from the orchestra. --- Katie Schorr lives in Brooklyn and is at work on her first novel. She writes about motherhood here: schorrthing.tumblr.com *
Reprinted from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
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