to good discipline in the home. True love, it should be noted, however, is not weak sentimentality or over-in dulgence, but a strong and selfless devotion, a deep con cern always acting in the interest of the child’s welfare. Parental love should never prevent discipline; it should produce it. Some say, “I love my child too much to say no to him or spank him.” But a Christian parent says, I love my child too much not to say no or spank him.” Ultimately, we do not discipline to hurt; we do so to help — not because we do not love, but because we do love. Discipline is God’s own method with us to help us grow up into Him. But His motive is always love. “Whom the Lord loveth He correcteth.” Children quickly sense the “love motive” in our deal ings with them and will respond accordingly. Indeed, the child will feel resentment at times over our decisions. This is natural. We have thrown a “monkey wrench” into a fond desire, and he is not happy. At such time, wouldn’t it give him a deeper appreciation of us if our love were so understanding that we could let him express some of his negative feelings? Dr. Thompson notes this interesting response of a father to his boy ready to fling himself out of the room because he was told he couldn’t ride his bicycle across a dangerous bridge, “Son, you feel as if you would like to mow me down, don’t you?” It is important that we give our children the chance to talk about their resentment, pour out their feelings, so that they know we understand, and are ready to help. Dr. Thompson summarizes thus: “How to say no? Say it on the basis of the love and trust your children have for you, based on your own Christian character, and your sincere, unconditioned love for them.” A father of a boy said it well, “We have tried to begin with love and end with love.” "Let's Talk It Over" 1. What’s wrong here? (What would you say?) Mother advises: “Be sure to give Daddy a big hug before you ask him whether you may go.” Grandfather says to Mother: “Go ahead, permit Jim to do it, I’ll explain to his father when he gets home.” Father, looking at Sue’s report card, warns: “I ’ll give you the spanking of your life if you don’t make all A’s next time!” Billy is afraid of the dark when put to bed. Mother says: “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for being scared, you are nothing but a coward!” 2. Which are some of the major considerations to be tak en into account when a child misbehaves? with regard to parents? with regard to the child? 3. What is the value of remembering your own childhood experiences in understanding your children? 4. If Mother gives a command with which Father does not agree, what would you advise him to do? Be agreeable at the moment? Raise a big fuss? Talk it over with her privately so they see eye to eye the next time? 5. List some of the implications of saying no lovingly. For Additional Reading Thompson, W. Taliaferro, Adventures in Parenthood (Richmond: John Knox Press, 1959), Chapter V, “When to Say No.” Hymes, James L., Jr., Understanding Your Child (New York: Prentice-Hall, Inc.) Your Child and You, Parent Guidance Series No. 1 (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House), Chapter 3. Schmieding, A., Understanding the Child (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1945), pp. 162—<177. Christian Discipline, Parent Guidance Series, No. 8 (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House). Other articles by Rev. Brnuer may be found in CHRISTIAN PARENT HOOD, Series No. 9, Concordia Publishing House, St. Louis, Missouri.
How to Say "N o " (continued) it as deliberate disobedience.
Parents need to get at the cause of children’s mis behavior if they would administer discipline fairly, other wise their “corrections” are only temporary measures and many even aggravate the situation. A non-co-opera- tive child may have had a frustrating experience in school or with a playmate; he may be pleading for more love and attention from preoccupied parents; he may be jealous over a new brother who is getting most of the attention, and doing something bad may be the only way he knows to recapture the love he needs and wants. The cause of his behavior may be deeper than ap pears on the surface. Dr. Thompson observes: “If we see a boy striking his younger brother, we may promptly take him to task, only to find later that the younger brother was the real culprit who provoked the attack to get the older brother into trouble.” There are other considerations to be taken into account if we would say no reasonably. The child should have ample opportunity to understand the total family picture and made to feel needed in family planning and opera tion. Dr. Strang, in A Introduction to Child Study, shows how this sometimes works: A twelve-year-old boy was becoming rebellious be cause of the amount of his allowance. The mother was giving him more than she felt she could afford in order to keep him contented. She and the father decided to talk over the details of the family bud get with him. They held a family council and dis cussed his father’s income, the expenditures for rent, insurance, food, savings, church, and for the other child. At the end of the discussion, the boy turned to his father and said, “Dad, you’ve done a good job! I don’t see how you’ve managed to give us all so much.” Children need to be treated as persons, “with some sense of their own dignity and worth.” Dr. Thompson cites the illustration of a father who felt a bit piqued because his ten-year-old son was always quoting a man who lived in their neighborhood, and asked, “What is it you like so much about him?” The boy hesitated and, reaching for words, finally said: “I guess it’s because he talks with you as though you knew something, too, and weren’t just a kid.” Say No Expectantly Arnold Bennett said that when you speak to another you speak twice. There is what you say, and how you say it, and he is sure that 90 per cent of the friction in life is caused by the tone of voice. Christian parents may well expect a positive response from their Christian chil dren, and the tone of their voice should indicate that they believe their children will do what they were asked to do. “A relaxed attitude,” says Dr. Thompson, “a light touch, a bit of humor, instead of tenseness, sternness, will work wonders.” Say No Firmly Parents encourage disobedience if they say no care lessly or thoughtlessly and then fail to follow through to see that the child carries out the request. The child must know we mean it. There must be no doubt in his mind as to the course we wish him to take. Thompson points out that the child often wants clear, definite, firm direc tion since a statement with question marks all over it leaves the decision with him and makes him unhappy and ready to argue. Say No Lovingly In his Psalm of Love (I Corinthians 13) Paul sum marizes, “The greatest of these is love.” This is the key
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