King's Business - 1963-06

CHRISTIAN HOME FEATURE

Is It Too Late To Discipline?

by Richard T. Laird, Clinical Psychologist Christian Counseling Center M y son is terr ible ! I give him everything, but he seems to have no respect or love for me. You would think that a boy his age whose parents shower him with so much would at least be grateful. Instead, he’s disrespectful, has temper tantrums, and won’t mind a word he’s told. What can I do?” The tearful, distraught mother looked anxiously across the desk at the psychologist. In desperation she waited expectantly for his words which might explain her son’s behavior. The psychologist asked, “Mrs. Smith, do you love your child?” “What!” exclaimed the mother. The interview continued, and it became apparent that the mother considered that being able to discipline her child was a monumental task. In this revealing obser­ vation lay the key to the mother’s problem. To the average person Mrs. Smith’s difficulty is a mystery. Perhaps even the psychologist’s question about the mother’s love is not understandable. But the reality of this situation is repeated countlessly in the offices of psychologists who deal with children’s problems. Act­ ually, if the truth were known, the real problem belongs to the parents, and is only passed on to the child. The parent may feel that he loves his child, yet he is unable to exercise one of the most important functions of child- rearing—discipline. Consider the young child—immature in life exper­ iences, faced daily with problems that he is not equipped to solve. He has not lived long enough to develop a background of successful solutions to problems. He lacks wisdom. Every problem is new to him, decisions are necessary continuously, yet he is immature. He needs adult wisdom to guide and direct him. With­ out help he will make improper choices and unwise de­ cisions whose fruits will remain with him the rest of his life. Consider, too, that every human being wants the minimum amount of anxiety, so the child will often take the easy way out. But this does not contribute to his maturity. In a real sense, without help, he will develop a childish approach to solving problems, thus creating an immature pattern of behavior.

Consider again Mrs. Smith’s case. She gave her son everything. She pampered him, made his decisions, and literally kept him a child. However, the time came when he had to be independent of her. He had to get along with other children at school. The teacher had to be obeyed. The boy had to learn to give and take. But he had not learned that his every need could not be instantly satisfied; in essence, he had not learned self- control. His mother had done everything for him. She had smothered his basic human capacity for getting along with others. The psychologist’s pointed question had penetrated to the heart of the mother’s motives in rearing her child. He was asking, “How can a mother really be interested in developing a mature, self-sustaining human being, and treat him as she did?” Psychologists usually agree that an over-indulgent mother like Mrs. Smith may not feel the earnest compassion for her son that she would have them believe. The over-attention to the child’s every need is a counter-reaction to unconscious feelings of re­ jection toward the child. In other words, she cannot discipline the child, because it may show that she does reject him. So she covers up the rejection by showering him with material tokens of a love she really doesn’t feel. Take, for example, Mrs. Jones in contrast to Mrs. Smith. She is careful to see that her son is polite to people, using good manners. She lovingly cares for him, but teaches him to do what he can for himself. This mother emphasizes co-operation with teachers, other adults, and the child’s own friends. If Mrs. Jones notices that her boy is overly aggressive and spiteful, she em­ ploys appropriate discipline. As a result, he matures with a healthy concern for others and himself. Needless to say, Mrs. Jones will not be sitting across from a psy­ chologist with the same reasons as Mrs. Smith. Mrs. Smith’s problem, however, is not out of hand. She needs professional help. The child’s personality pat­ tern is set. What is the outgrowth of the two cases? Mrs. Jones’s son is able to bring the feelings of others into his solutions of problems. But Mrs. Smith’s son cannot This inability has created a serious lack in understanding feelings of others. He has become a selfish and egocentric person.

T H E K IN G 'S BUSINESS

Made with FlippingBook Online document