American Consequences - June 2019

spinners and “I’m With Her” buttons – will become the new fiat currency... Hoarders and packrats will become “self made” millionaires, overnight. And forget about paying top dollar to live a comfortable life... One 8 oz. filet mignon will cost approximately 10 used Juul pods and an old Birkenstock. Popcorn and a movie? That’ll be a Microsoft Zune and two HD- DVDs. (Beanie Babies will still have little to no value.) WINNERS: Gold, consumer packrats, eBay, Jeff Bezos LOSERS: Banks, financial markets, Beanie Baby collectors


American consumers not hedged with gold will suddenly find themselves turning to new forms of currency and trade, while the few surviving corporations race to fill the void left by a shuttered U.S. Treasury. Amazon will announce “Bezos Bucks,” a digital currency for use only on Amazon (and participating Whole Foods stores). It will also use this to pay the handful of Amazon employees not yet replaced by robots. For the average American consumer, abundant but discarded items – like fidget

A MARKET MELTDOWN There’s no better time to “buy low, sell high,” than during a market meltdown (and the closer you pay to $0, the better). When shareholders run screaming for the exits, blue-chip companies like Google and Facebook will sell off faster than Hamilton tickets (sadly, still more than $200 a pop). Some investors may even move to cash as the market turns, but don’t be fooled... This just means more shares for everyone else. Savvy investors will have the chance to become a majority shareholder in any number of companies. Tired of Mark Zuckerberg hemming and hawing about Facebook and your privacy? Become the majority shareholder and kick him to the curb (and fire his barber, while you’re at it). All you have to do is wait for “the big bottom” and “buy low.” Piece of cake. Unfortunately, investors not hedged or diversified will see their portfolios tank, and some investment firms will struggle to stay afloat. But if there’s anything we’ve learned from recent market crashes, it’s that companies like Apple sold for less than $5 and you probably didn’t buy them. WINNERS: Diversified portfolios, short sellers, cash holdings LOSERS: 401(k)s, banks, overleveraged portfolios, starving old people with blue-chip retirement portfolios, Zuckerberg


June 2019

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