Vol 11. Edition 2
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - Your brain is 96% full. Clear space manually or you'll be unable to process life in approximately six weeks. Taurus - Well, your friend was right, you shouldn’t have bought all those little qubits. Gemini - e more you learn about the world, the more you nd you do not have a real, like, professional job. Cancer - Art is not dead. But it’s a mangled, mucus-riddled corpuscle, judging from those things you call “sculptures.” Leo - Right now, it’s time to focus. On how to escape this bomb shelter you built in your shower. Virgo - e tinsel is up, the candles, lit, and yet, there’s a hollowness in the air, ever since you drunkenly shat on the cheese plate.
Libra - Wake up, it’s morning! Somebody out there loves you! Better nd them before they get struck by a train! Scorpio - Your instinct was to hit Ctrl-Z, but then you realized you can’t undo burning down your ex-wife’s real estate oce. Sagittarius - e pectoral implants weren’t a terrible idea, but getting only one, was. Capricorn - e saucepan on your head pro- tected you from the punch, but nothing will protect you from the chides of the crowd. Aquarius - e Zymlock was already pretty rancid before you sat in it. Now we should order pizza. Pisces - You really YOLO’d! But now it’s time to cash out the pocket change that remains of your 401k in crypto coins, and put it into this parking meter.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Holiday Celebration at Area Gas Station e rst annual Christember party is coming up at Fran’s Welcome Center Gas & Grub on County Highway J. ere will be food trucks, a picnic table to share, a ride (scooter) and game (checkers) as well as lots of food (old hot dogs and beef jerky) served all day A Twinkie-eating contest is scheduled for noon, as well as a demonstration of animal tricks featuring the resident family of rats in back. Guten Tag Herr Jones , the local renegade jug band, will be per- forming from the open cargo area of their van at an undetermined time. ey plan to serve eggnog cocktails infused with moonshine. Owner Fran Tick also said those who stick around might be in for a special surprise. “Let’s just say, Jolly ol' St. Nickeljoint might stop in to wish us happy holidays, and ask for gas money, like he usually does.” Questions? Don't call. Skoogle ned One Hundred Bajillion Dollars Skoogle will likely pay the record ne levied by Resin County, with a large, middle nger.
ese weirdos found a new way to exercise, Pg B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections Economists forecast half of population will be in a Squid Game by 2050 ............................ E6 10 things you should never do in a portapotty, according to an expert ............................... F2 Free echolocation class in city park .......... F7 Saturn’s moon Titan may have six-mile thick crust made of hash - could we smake it?..... G13
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