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he stopped them and put out their torches, he didn’t call the MPs or have them arrested for arson, destruction of property, or anything else. He invited them to his tent to get something to eat and have a beer, which is all they wanted in the first place. They were good soldiers who had seen intense fighting and needed a break, he told us years later. Another time, a Fayetteville car dealer took advantage of a young soldier and ripped him off. When the colonel (then a captain) heard about it, he called the dealer who said he wasn’t giving the money back and there was nothing the colonel could do about it. The colonel told him he had 120 men in his company who asked him to get off early, so they could all go down to the dealership and “check out” the guy’s inventory. The soldier got his money back. The senior enlisted guys gave us advice as well (typically presented in some kind of story involving drinking and a SANTA CLAUS’ IDENTITY FRAUD Have you seen Tim Allen’s 1994 film “The Santa Clause”? It’s about an ordinary businessman named Scott Calvin who accidentally becomes Santa Claus after Mr. Kris Kringle himself falls off his roof and disappears. While the story seems like a traditional children’s fairy tale, there’s a real-life case of an ordinary man named Warren J. Hayes from Ohio who became Santa Claus for over 20 years. On Dec. 20, 2001, while running some last-minute Christmas errands, Mr. Hayes was involved in a minor car accident. After the police were called and requested his identification, Warren produced an Ohio state issued license bearing the name “Santa Claus” residing at the residence of 1 Noel Drive, North Pole, OH 44481. He was subsequently charged with a first-degree misdemeanor for presenting a fictitious ID card. But Mr. Hayes also had an official motor vehicle registration, AAA membership card, and bank account in Santa’s name. In fact, he submitted the following as evidence of his identity during his hearing:
barroom brawl), and after professionally abusing us for four years, they couldn’t contain their smiles when they called us “sir” as soon as we got commissioned. That small program turned out a lot of good officers, including some who just retired after distinguished careers. I got my commission and infantry assignment but deferred it to go to law school, then transferred to the Judge Advocate General’s Corps (Army lawyers). The irony is that our colonel hated lawyers — which he told me every chance he got — but he encouraged me to go to law school anyway. So, my advice to the kid was the same I got 30 years ago: Go for it. You will learn a ton about leadership, physical and mental toughness, and how to handle yourself under pressure — even if the profanity is nowhere near as good as it once was.
- Frank Kearney
listed were “Mr. Claus and Holly Noel.” Dr. Snowflake was the attending physician • Several years’ worth of Ohio ID cards for Santa listing residence at 1 Noel Drive, North Pole, OH 44481 • A certificate of title issued to Santa Claus for a 1965 Volkswagen • A blank check from the Second National Bank of Warren on the account of Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus • Several vehicle registration certificates for a 1965 Volkswagen registered to Santa Claus So, when it came time for his hearing in State v. Hayes aka Santa Claus , the judge ruled that since he had held this ID from the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles for 20 years, Santa has been a “real person” since early 1982 and thus could not be liable.
• A copy of Santa Claus’ birth certificate, showing that he was born at the North Pole, Dec. 25, 383 A.D. The parents
So, when your kids ask you this year if Santa Claus is real, you can say yes — and he lived in Ohio.
2 • DONAHOEKEARNEY.COM
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