Dr. Narramore, graduate of Columbia University, New York City, is a nationally known psychologist. He is the director of one of America's
largest psychological clinics— The Christian Counseling center in Pasadena, California.
him he was no good or his mother always belittled him. IS KINDNESS SELFISH? Q. During a conversation with sev eral ministers and doctors of our acquaintance, the question of the motive for doing kindnesses for oth ers was discussed. Some felt we only do kind things because it gives us pleasure, or for what we expect may benefit us in return. Others felt that doing kindnesses for others should, and does, come naturally with no thought of personal benefit. What do you think? A. There are usually two basic rea sons why people do things for others. One reason is that they do want to gain favor with someone and get something in return. This is an un wholesome motive. The other reason people do things for others is because they are well adjusted and can live outside them selves, finding joy in making others happy. When a person is happy and healthy, he turns to other people to see what he can do for them as a natural thing. An unhealthy person keeps thinking about himself and his own needs. Others around him can be very needy but he will not even notice because his own problems are so great. The greatest joys in life do not come from building up ourselves; the real happiness in life comes from serving others. In my own life, as a psychologist, I had certain mo tives ; then, some years ago, God spoke to my heart through the Bible and I became interested in other people. I found that in my life’s work I am happiest when I am try ing to help someone. We do not help other people because we are hoping they will help us in return . . . if we do that, we will be discouraged. We help others out of a desire to reach
out beyond ourselves, constrained by the Spirit of God to follow Christ’s example of compassion for the needs of others. IS COMPETITION GOOD? Q. As a psychologist, do you feel Christians should engage in organ ized competitive sports? My brother feels that since life is so competitive, children should start com p e tin g early. I think there can be an over emphasis on competition and that it can be unwholesome. A. We ought to consider this matter of competition. There has been in stilled in each human being some natural competition which is whole some and good. If we do something, we like to do it well—as well or bet ter than other people, and this is normal. There is, however, such a thing as unwholesome competition. Often we have too much in the lower grades and junior high schools because we have never taken the time to think it through. I think there should be more group emphasis. Adults themselves are sometimes highly competitive because of vari ous experiences in childhood which gave them a feeling of insecurity. Therefore to compensate for the lack in their own lives, they want their children to excel in everything they do. Often these people do not care how many others they have to step on, walk over or destroy to reach their goal. Training children in their early years what is good, wholesome com petition is perhaps one of the more neglected areas. There is good mate rial in bookstores on child training which include this phase of teach ing. It would be well to read all you can on this subject and perhaps you can help many others to guide their children aright.
SERIOUS MARRIAGE PROBLEM Q. How can I handle a husband who belittles me with every breath and is full of bitterness and hostility? He is too busy making money to seek professional help. He has tremendous drive and is very well liked by his associates. A few days ago, he packed up and took an apartment in another part of the city. His only aim in life seems to be to hurt me, and now our children are suffering, also. What can be done about this serious problem? A. There are many people who belit tle others, are bitter and hostile, of ten taking it out on those nearest and the second the help our clinic can offer. There are many people who belittle others, are bitter and hostile, often taking it out on those nearest and dearest to them. Often it is because of unresolved problems in childhood. Perhaps their home life was not as it should have been; they may have had hostile feelings toward their mother, father, or others in the home. It would not be socially ac ceptable for them to settle the old score with these people, or they may not be living and it would now be impossible to resolve such a problem. Therefore they take it out on a hus band or wife, or even their children. It is a pitiful thing to see a man with so much potential and executive ability, successful everywhere except at home. The fact that your husband wants to get ahead and possesses such tre mendous drive may indicate a psy chological problem, due perhaps to a lack in his childhood. Often, to com pensate, a man may drive himself to get ahead and be successful. He is trying to prove to himself that he is a worthwhile, fine, and capable person. His father may have told
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THE KING 'S BUSINESS
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