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THE K I N G ’ S BUS I NESS
January, 1935
as a freakish fancy which would wear off in common-sense daylight—and went on telling me the plans he had made for us. W e could be quietly married here, or any where, and go back West when he re turned here after a business trip o f three or four weeks, and then establish our selves in a fashionable apartment house in which he already has a number of friends among married couples. My so cial life would be all ordered for me— bridge, dancing, and theaters with interest ing people who would take me in at once, provided I adapted myself. (Yes, provid ed I was willing to throw every convic tion to the wind if diplomacy demanded it. I think he was feeling rather uneasy about it.) O f course there would be plen ty o f time, too, for me to do any sort of welfare work I might fancy—‘to sew for the heathen’ or anything like that. Most o f the women of his acquaintance had their pet charities. Then, too, his minister (I understand he goes to church quite regu larly) could keep me busy with bazaars and things. He would be delighted to get his hands on such a ‘church worker.’ “ Finally, I managed to say, ‘Don, I have not so learned Christ. I don’t know God’s plan for my life a day ahead, but_ I do know that what you have outlined is not in accordance with it. The things I do — “church work” as you call it—are not_ for salving consciences or for filling up time. They are simply an expression o f gratitude to my living Lord who has given me life by means of His death. Each day I live, I realize more how much the weight of my personal sin must have borne down on Him and how heavy the obligation is on me to let Him have all there is o f me, to do with as He will—and not an obligation merely, but a glorious privilege because only the Creator is capable of directing the crea ture.’ “ He went on then to tell me that cir cumstances had forced me into this narrow outlook I Seemed to have, had really un balanced me, that I was fed up on religion & - what I needed was a more balanced diet. O f course religion had its place, and he wanted me to have some church work, but other things were equally necessary for a well-rounded life. I needed social life now—had been too long with the under privileged . He was going to take me out o f it all and give me what I wanted (as if he could), and he was going to make up for those years of separation by more loving consideration than in the first years, even. “My heart warmed a little toward him then, because I knew he was doing all he could to make the best of things, and I realized that the whole difference was in perspective, but I knew, too, that to change his perspective was beyond human power. W e talked on till midnight and gtew far ther apart all the time. He came again the next night, and when he saw my position was not changed an iota, he left for good. The last thing he said was, ‘Remember, Marion, you threw me over, and you need never expect me to come back. I offered you all I had to offer, and I don’t think it’s conceited to say that most girls would have thought it worth considering, anyway —at least wouldn’t have despised it off hand as you did.’ “He wouldn’t shake hands—just said good-by and closed the door very gently and went out I think I. never knew be fore such mixed emotions—chagrin, that I had failed so utterly to bring him any spiritual light, disgust with the shallow life which he and his set considered -‘well- [ Continued on page 40 ]
STARWARD [Continued from page 13]
revolted at the idea of marrying him. There is an undeniable flatness in things now; but I know, without a shadow o f a doubt, that it is infinitely preferable to the torture that might have been—if I had not followed the light I had. “He came at the time appointed, and his whole idea seemed to be to proceed as if nothing had ever happened—as if there had never been a break.. In view o f all that has happened, this couldn’t be done. I sup pose he thought that because I had been loyal all these years, there was nothing needed but to go on with things, so he wanted me to marry him right away. I didn’t say ‘No’ right at first. When you have lived With an idea as long as I had lived with this one, there’s some sort of psychic law that refuses to release it in a moment—and what do you suppose he said then? ‘I know it’s necessary to have
Marion’s face. “You have found that out?” . , . “Yes, but I’m merely a beginner in this as in everything else spiritual. When I think o f how long-drawn-out the first years after I came here were, I realize how dif ferent things would have been if I had been waiting with my eyes on Him. I always loved the work, but the hours off duty were the time that dragged. I’ve never told you this before, but there was not a soul in the boarding house that I wanted for an intimate friend. The men thought I was queer, and the girls felt sorry for me because I never had dates, I used to dread holidays because I missed Don more then. I know this sounds ter ribly earthy, but it hurt to have people think nobody loved me—and nobody ever had, probably.” “ I don’t believe they thought it.” “Yes they did, but it’s all right. The whole thing kept me at prayer, just as the first crash drove me to it. That was when I first began to look for a message from God every morning—out of the Bible. That reminds me—a few days ago, I came across this one in Psalms: ‘Thine eyes did see mine unformed substance; And in thy book they were all written, Even the days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was none o f them.’ “It came to me with such force, I think it must have been as clear as some of the things He said to Moses. I think I have never been quite so willing to_let Him man age my life as I have been since He spoke those words to me. It seems lovely things have been happening ever since, too. Per haps I’ll be able to go along for a while now without a straight course in the school of adversity,” she finished wistfully. He got up and stood before her with his hands behind him, and looking straight in to the wide, honest eyes, he said, “ It is not mine to prophesy events, Marion, but I do feel sure that whether it is to be ad versity or prosperity, or a mingling of the two, your faith in His infinite wisdom and love is going to continue. And no matter what changes the future may bring, I can never thank Him enough for having brought you into my life.” She smiled back her answer as Mrs. Gathright stood in the doorway to an nounce dinner. * * * Some months later, Dr. Fenwick received a bulky letter which ran as follow s: “I didn’t write you as soon as Don left, because I knew you would be on shipboard for three weeks and there was no use in mailing a letter then. I thought, too, that there might be some change in circumstan ces in three weeks’ time. But there isn’t. I asked for light and God gave it. He made it plain as day that we are to walk in separate ways hereafter. As you know, this wasn’t what I wanted, but I still believe these drab days were as much ordained by Him as others that were more in line with my own choosing. “What I wanted was to find Don pos sessing all the appeal of ten years _ago,_and all the devotion, and, coupled with it, a fair degree o f spirituality—or at least an appreciation of things spiritual. I thought we were made for each other and so this would have to be. Well, I found hirn with all the qualities that used to make him so attractive, but we just don’t speak the same language. I think he realized at last that for this reason every instinct o f my soul
some time for arrangements here—to get the child into a Home and all that.’ “ I needn’t try to describe my reaction. There are some moments, I suppose, indel ibly impressed on every life. This is on mine. I felt cold perspiration on my fore head and sort o f a numbness all over, but somehow I was able to look up and trust Him to put the right words into my mouth —and keep back the others. “ I had put Sophia to bed just after bring ing her out to see him (she always sleeps with the doll you gave her), and at that moment I could feel her precious little arms about my neck and could see those trusting blue eyes looking into mine— trusting me for food and shelter and love. If I failed her, what then? “But I hadn’t the slightest temptation to fail her. I only longed to get away from him and back to her. But y ow understand. You always do. I think it is just that the mother instinct had never been awakened in me until she came; the floodgate of mother love had waited to be opened by her tiny fingers. I can’t explain- it—I only know she belongs to me. God gave her to me and she is mine for eternity. The things I do for her are a pure joy to me; 1 love to mend her little dresses and train her wriggly, stubborn whitish hair to stay in place, and hold her on my lap and tell her stories and, most of all, to see the wonder in her eyes when I tell her about things above. “Well, I didn’t tell Don this. I knew it wouldn’t register. I simply said, ‘I couldn’t think of marrying any man, Don, who wasn’t willing to take Sophia, too.’ “He paid no more attention to this than if I hadn’t said it—apparently regarded it
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