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Dispatches from the Highlands
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Cannatown News Unsparked J Found at Holcombe & Grand
An unsparked spli found at the intersection of Holcombe and Grand Avenues in Roacheo has itself sparked a quest to nd its rightful owner, and, in the chance of its true orphanage, the rightful person who should otherwise spark it themselves. Although mum at rst, it wasn't long before news of the aban-
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doned doobie had reached the locals by storm, with a plurality of the suburb's citizens jamming switchboards by phone to lay claim to the J for days. It was locked away and heavily-guarded, 24-7. e rst at the scene had been Bartelby Jones, a town gossip who happened to “ nd” the spli at the corner Tuesday morning at the bus stop. Another laying claim to the pre-roll, Vincent McGillicu- ty, says the bus stop is in front of his house and therefore the item of interest is likely from his stash. And yet another, Esmerelda Cutler, led a formal request for custody of the spli , even though she’s never been to this side of town and is only visiting for Roach- Fest this weekend from Steem's Point. ere were plenty others. “Obviously somebody out there is probably pretty concerned about this little spli ,” Cheef Ocer Caititia Pendleton initially reported. “Everyone can see, it’s extra plump. And stanky.” e Save the Spli campaign did very poorly as far as recruit- ment, until changing name to Save the Spli for Me . e move- ment quickly amassed one hundred thousand followers, each eager to smake the joint only to themselves despite its girth. e city and particularly, its council, have also laid claim to the rolled ower. Friday, a local magistrate clari ed that any entity could be appointed legal guardian and keeper of the joint by the city judicial system, and in doing so, announced that he would undertake such a laborious burden. An immediate appeal to an even higher court led to a decision that all those in the vicinity could partake together of said joint, if consumed equally in a circle--a decision well-received by all parties. An even higher ap- pellate decision will determine who has legal right to spark of it. OTHER HEADLINES Cannabis growers race to prep for next work-at-home year "It's means a ton of smaking! We've gotta grow a lot, fast." pg 150 Jeopardy! in hot water for conjuring ery quakes pg 157 Streaming service for ants goes belly-up pg 166 Dollar Store now Dollar Eighty-Five pg 171 **Brought to you by Genuine Pants** “Old school, new school, we got your pants.”
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