Vol 10. Edition 5
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - You'd be mostly OK with having to re- turn to work if it wasn't for that morning poop. Taurus - Your gym will totally understand you canceling the membership, seeing as they’ve seen you a total of no times. Gemini - You were hoping the technician would be able to x your blue tooth, but apparently you actually need an oral surgeon. Cancer - As you blow your candles out, you'll pose for a sel e with your only remaining post- pandemic pals: your bong, dab rig, and Sherlock. Leo - You were all excited about your new semi truck until you realized, woah, it takes a special license to drive these things! Virgo - O in the distance, thunder. You’re sitting alone, in the dark, across from a Snickers bar. And things are about to get real bad for the Snickers. What Came to Pass News in Brief Cannatown Upgrades to Chimp-Fiber Cannatown City Council has entered a memo- randum of understanding with Marmotech Inc., to install the city's new ber optic net- work. But some critics say that choosing the cheapest bid will come back to haunt the town in the future. One of the loudest critics, Moe's Telecom President, Moe Torola, noted that the economy-priced service is actually chimp- ber, or, in layman's terms, a low, 1G network installed by chimpanzees. "While the price is right, we should be asking ourselves, do we entrust something of this magnitude to mon- keys?" he asked at the city council meeting. To which Councilman Verne Jacobs answered, "We don't know. We wouldn't know the di er- ence between handing this gigantic project to a team of snarky teenagers, or, super-smiley chimps in suits, all of whom appear com- pletely potty trained and ready to work." e upgrade is due within the next decade.
Libra - You'll know you're getting old when your freaky sneeze makes the children cry. Scorpio - e cicadas' death will bring upon a glorious autumn silence until your neighbor loses his mind and gets out the theremin. Sagittarius - At rst you'll feel guilt for acci- dentally running the creature over, until you realize, it's that bastard faun who betrayed your family. Capricorn - You thought it’d be easy to co- ordinate activities for the seniors, but they’re growing real bored of Rock Paper Scissors. Aquarius - Although amazed by your sudden engineering, your spouse won’t take kindly to having their CPAP machine into an eBong. Pisces - e munchkins’ chant from your dream, “Giblets, Goblets and Goo!” will haunt you as you ride into town, terri ed of what awaits you next.
New Driving School Closes Inde nitely pE7
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Pippi Longstocking crypto turns YOLO'd fortunes into pan-cakeys ......................... E2 Fuzzy Wuzzy Jr. completes MBA, starts hair club for bears ........................................... F6 Parkour robots gang up on lone Roomba ....... ................................................................... G13 OnlyFans unveils "MySpace Mode"......... H1
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