Over time, they will observe the same patterns that you escaped from – if the other, damaging, parent doesn’t commit to change. What they do with this information is up to them. In the meantime, be the change that you want to see, for them, and for yourself. A book I found helpful might interest you. Its principles apply to men, but can be typical of either gender. Lundy Bancroft, a counselor who has firsthand long-term experience with abusive men, wrote, “Why Does He Do That?” This appears to be one of the best books, ever, on
with another person, a static combination of our and their patterns form. Without intervention, the unhealthy patterns of an abusive relationship will not change. Since my four children’s father refused counseling or therapy, our toxic situation could not improve – it was about patterns. When I left my first marriage that second time, two children’s lives were forever altered. I fled, pregnant, and it would be ten years before I saw my youngest son again.
how to get into the minds of narcissistically abusive men. Also, if you are interested, Kenny Weiss has some very helpful information on parental alienation, especially extensive videos on You Tube. I wish I’d known about his advice; it would have kept me from being reactive, and more constructive, with better results, over the years. If you need to speak to someone who understands, I am a master-certified, trauma informed, Trauma
Three decades have passed since that divorce shattered our lives. My kids have been scarred by it, and, due to, yes, parental alienation. I could do little to intervene. Fighting what is happening behind the scenes is little more than shadow-boxing. They were brainwashed, led to believe lies, and never could be easily dissuaded, though inroads have been made, again, in answer to prayer.
Trust that your kids are 50% yours. You helped raise them. They have you inside their heads, and their hearts.
I was warned by their father, that if I ever left, my connections with my children would suffer. He has made good on that promise. There seems to be something beyond comprehension in the minds of abusers, it’s almost as if there is a compulsion to win. In addition to the above, a phenomenon called “splitting” affects kids of divorced parents, those who are asked to choose between their mother and father. By seeking our children’s allegiances, over time, it damages them.
recovery Coach. Coaching is for anyone wanting to move forward, especially helpful after a healing journey done with a professional Counselor, to help with past issues. I also love to give presentations. If you are in need of a speaker or presenter, this is something close to my heart. As a senior majoring in Psychology at the local University, my time is limited, but I can almost always make time to educate and/or inspire. My business is “1001 Fresh Starts!” I believe that, for those who don’t quit, change is inevitable. How often we can begin again is unlimited, as the name of my business illustrates. The point is that we never stop trying.
One absolute thing I would encourage you to embrace, is this. Trust your kids.
Trust that your kids are 50% yours. You helped raise them. They have you inside their heads, and their hearts.
“Don’t Quit!”
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