MALL SANTA
COVID-19 cannot stop him. Santa is an innovator and, apparently, an optimist.
SITTING ON A STRANGER’S LAP Why the lap? Of all the traditions associated with Christmas, it’s sitting on a stranger’s lap that has aged the worst. Santa Lance has a hunch where this comes from, and the answer is... weird. Not Gilbert Gottfried weird, but the Pennsylvania Dutch finish a close second. “They have a character called Pelznickel, who was dressed all in fur,” says Santa Lance. “Pelznickel was normally played by one of the elders in the community. He was not the nice, friendly Santa who hands out presents. He was more like a Dutch uncle. He would give candy and sweets to those children who were good, and those children who were not doing what they were supposed to got threatened with a whip.” Whoa. Kind of makes a lump of coal sound like a sweet deal. “Pelznickel would come to town, come to people’s homes. Some children would sit on his lap, and that’s really where that tradition is derived from.” Cue my eureka moment. Cue me running through the streets in black and white, shouting, “Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!” A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I finally have all the answers! Except one: “Wait, what about the name”? I ask. “What does Pelznickel even mean?” “Fuzzy Nicholas,” Santa Lance tells me, but then pauses a moment. “Actually, a better translation is ‘Fuzzy Layabout’ or ‘Fuzzy Bum.’”
IN 2020, MAKE LEMONTINIS Who cares whether Macy’s or “Colonel Jim” or some whip-cracking Mennonite invented the modern professional Santa Claus... What we do know is that today’s Kris Kringle is far different than the man in that first poem. Santa Claus has evolved, and we’re watching that change in real-time. So, now might be a good time to stop grumbling about the way we visited Santa in our childhood and instead, embrace what makes Santa 2.0 really unique. COVID-19 cannot stop him. Santa is an innovator and, apparently, an optimist. “A wise man once said, when life gives you lemons,” says Santa Lance when asked about the hassle of retooling for COVID, “make lemontinis.” I interrupt our shared laughter, “Wait, did you come up with that or did someone else?” “I said he was a wise man, didn’t I?” PatrickWensink is the bestselling author of several books, including his last novel Fake Fruit Factory , which was named a best book of the year by NPR. In addition, his nonfiction appears in the NewYork Times , Esquire , Oxford American and others. He lives in Louisville, KYwith his wife, son, and fragile ego. Photos: AP.
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December 2020
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