hese things can happen to a person... well, so far, to only one person – Jeff Bezos. But you know...
And I make $100 billion. After taxes. What would I do? Take a nap.
“ Everything you can imagine, you can do ,” I’m told. (Or, rather, my kids are told, ad infinitum , in their progressive, positive- learning-experience schools with 90% of classroom time spent teaching self-esteem.) Years ago, I did do something . I wrote an article with a really great title, if I do say so myself – “How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink.” It was written for a humor magazine, and I was kidding. Sort of. (I was 29.) Maybe “How to...” is made into a blockbuster movie, a best-selling video game, a hit song that stays at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 Chart for 52 weeks, a wildly successful brand of legalized pot, the go-to craft beer for millennials, a killer app, an Internet search engine, and the largest hedge fund on earth, “Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink, LLC.” Making a lot of money is sort of like discovering a miracle diet. It’s an instant worry-loss program.
Why not? Making a lot of money is sort of like discovering a miracle diet. It’s an instant worry-loss program. Very relaxing. And when I’m very relaxed, I like to take a nap. I’ll never worry about going broke again. (Which gives me more time to worry about dying. And my kids getting facial piercings, and full sleeves of tats, and marrying Louis C.K... But never mind.) After my nap, I’ll buy some things I’ve always wanted. But... hmm... I’m 70. I’ve kind of already done that. I don’t want a new house. We’ve been in our place for 25 years. It’s nothing that would be featured in Architectural Digest , unless it does a special issue on “Run-Of-The-Mill Old Federal-Style Houses With Ugly Additions From the 1980s.” But I’ve almost figured out how the plumbing and septic systems work. I don’t want to go through that again. Also, the dogs like it here.
American Consequences | 79
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