ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD
isn’t a very worthy cause. But he is my cousin. I’ll hire a designated driver for him. Or maybe just a big guy to carry him home. I’ll also donate to the local EMS. They were Johnny-on-the-spot at the accident scenes during Mikey-Mike’s second, third, and fifth DUI arrests. But I’m no “Give-It-Away Gates” or Warren “Leave-Air-to-the-Heirs” Buffett. The problem with charity is that people can be remarkably hard to help. My cousin Mikey- Mike, for instance.
You care about climate change. You really, really care about climate change. You care so much it keeps you awake at night. You can hardly eat. Meanwhile the rest of us just give $20 to the Sierra Club and forget about it. You people who care so much are obviously superior to those of us who only care as much as we have to. And since you’re such superior people you have the right – nay, the duty – to
tell all us inferior people what to do. We inferior people may not buy that.
The problem with charity is that you have to be careful when you try to make the world a better place.
A
B
The other problem with charity is that you have to be careful when you try to make the world a better place. When you try to make the world a better place, you’re assuming that you know what the world needs, that you know what the world should be doing, and that you know what everyone in the world wants. I don’t even know what I want. Furthermore, there’s a danger in “sharing and caring.” The danger is in the caring part. We’re told we should care.. . Care about climate change, care about endangered species, care about the poor and oppressed. But being terribly concerned about great big issues is a way of elevating yourself to membership in a self-selecting elite.
Nonetheless, I’ll give $9,958,800,000 to worthy causes. Which, in addition to the $41,200,000 I’ve already spent, will bring my fortune down to a more manageable $90 billion. Then, utilizing the remaining $90 billion, I’ll do good with my money the old-fashioned way. By keeping it. Let’s say I keep my $90 billion in the most conservative fashion... No, not that conservative... $90 billion in bullion = approximately 4.3 million pounds of gold = one damn big hole I’d have to dig in my yard. And I’m not putting it into U.S. Treasury bonds, either. The last thing our fool
82 | December 2017
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